To the Moon and Back
by of-moonlightandstarshine
Summary: Junjo Egoist: Nowaki & Hiroki are finally happily together, but as they say, good things never last.
1. Chapter 1

My first time writing (: so please be kind!

Junjo romantica does not belong to me, though i wish it did!

Junjo Egoist – Nowaki/Hiroki (maybe OC later on)

To The Moon and Back

Chapter 1

It had been a long day, and as Hiroki climbed up the stairs to the apartment he shared with Nowaki, every muscle in his body seem to protest the short climb. He was so tired, and had been feeling this way for quite awhile now. But the thought of Nowaki not having the night shift that night, and waiting at home for him, brought warmth to his cold fatigue-plagued body, though he'd never say that aloud, especially to Nowaki!

'Tadaimasu', Hiroki muttered as he walked into the door.

'Okairi! Hiro-san!', replied Nowaki cheerfully as he popped his head out of the kitchen, wearing a frilly little apron. 'You're back late tonight! Long day? How was it? I've cooked kimchi stew seeing as its such a cold day today, is that ok with you?', rambled Nowaki happily.

'Baka, how do you expect me to answer so many questions at one time?!', grumbled Hiroki as he took off his coat slowly and placed it on the coat rack. Suddenly, before he could even notice the shadow that fell across him, he was enveloped by his lover's arms, holding him tightly against Nowaki's chest.

'I've missed you, Hiro-san. I love you, Hiro-san.'

Nowaki lifted his hand up and tilted Hiroki's then sputtering mouth and silenced it with a deep kiss. Kissing him thoroughly, sweeping away the half-hearted rejections and yelling from Hiroki, and sending warmth flooding through his veins. His entire body seemed to have lost all energy, and he sagged bonelessly against Nowaki, leaving Nowaki to hold him up. As Nowaki's hands swept lovingly down his chest though, Hiroki quickly broke off the kiss and yelled at him to stop while trying to break free.

'Stop, stop! I'm dirty, tired and hungry. I want to shower and have dinner, you pervert!'

'Oh sorry Hiro-san, I forgot about that. I just missed you too much and you look so delectable I wanted to eat you', replied Nowaki earnestly.

'Baka! Pervert!', muttered Hiroki, who's entire face had turn an adorable cherry red.

'Hiro-san, you're blushing! Hiro-san kawaii desu.'

'Shut up! Let me shower, then we can have dinner.'

Two hours later, Hiroki stood at the sink washing up. He was so tired, and his muscles were aching so badly that the hand that held onto the plate was trembling nonstop. 'I think I better go see a doctor tomorrow about my fatigue, I might be coming down with something', he thought to himself. But before he could go any further, Nowaki had stealthily crept up on him from behind and wound his arms tightly around Hiroki's waist again.

Lips immediately descended on Hiroki's warm flesh, kissing and sucking his neck. Stunned by the sudden change of events, all Hiroki could do was to drop the plate back into the sink and be overwhelmed by the feelings his own giant brought out in him.

'Ohhhh.', he moaned unconsciously as Nowaki's tongue lapped at the patch of flesh behind his ear, and nibbled on his earlobe. Nowaki thrilled by the sound of contentment from his precious Hiro-san immediately grabbed him tighter and started to drag Hiroki to the bedroom.

'Nowaki! The dishes are not clean yet', protested Hiroki rather weakly.

'Its ok, I will finish them tomorrow, I need you so much now', whispered Nowaki in his ear, causing Hiroki to flush.

Despite Hiroki's protesting all the time, he never really meant any of them deep down inside. It was just this damn pride, not willing to let this younger boy exert so much control over him. But the combination of fatigue, longing, missing and the warmth emanating from Nowaki silenced his protests tonight, and he allowed Nowaki to drag him to the bedroom.

Once in the bedroom, Nowaki laid Hiroki carefully down on the bed, before stripping down quickly. He was already hard, which Hiroki had felt just now when Nowaki pressed him against his chest, grinding his erection into Hiroki's butt. Nowaki was so tall and broad and all muscle, and Hiroki turned his head to the side in embarrassment as his cock grew harder.

'Hiro-san' was all the warning he got, before Nowaki pounced on him and proceeded to devour him with his mouth, tongue, licks and kisses. They kissed hungrily as Nowaki tilted Hiroki's head up, plundering him with his tongue, invading his mouth completely, leaving Hiroki breathless and tingling with pleasure. Nowaki could definitely kiss. The entire time, Nowaki's large warm hands were roaming Hiroki's body, rubbing circles against his flesh, caressing here and rubbing there. He lifted Hiroki's shirt over his head, before moving down to attack Hiroki's torso with his mouth. He nibbled along Hiroki's collar bone, producing a deep moan from Hiroki. Smiling quietly to himself, Nowaki continued on his quest to make his Hiro-san feel good.

Moving on to Hiroki's dust-pink nipples, he latched on to the right one and began to worry it, swirling his tongue around the nub. Hiroki arched up into his mouth, hands entwining into Nowaki's hair and clutching him closer to him. Nowaki's other hand went to the neglected nipple and began to rub it. He pinched that nipple, and bit down gently on the right one at the same time, causing Hiroki to jerk up towards in with a uncontained moan. Nowaki could feel Hiroki's erection throbbing at his waist. He switched, and gave the same treatment to the other nipple. After awhile, with Hiroki panting loudly, he moved downwards, and pulled Hiroki's pants and underwear down gently, leaving his erection standing proudly, with precum already gathering at the tip.

'Hiro-san, you're so beautiful', whispered Nowaki before he descended upon Hiroki's erection and taking him into his mouth completely. Hiroki jerked his hips wildly in response to the burning heat that was Nowaki's mouth that enveloped his cock. All coherent thoughts flew out of his head and all he could think and feel was Nowaki's mouth.

Running his tongue along the vein underneath Hiroki's shaft, Nowaki hummed, causing a white flash of pleasure to shoot through Hiroki. But as soon as that happened, Nowaki pulled away, leaving Hiroki hot, panting, disorientated and unfulfilled. Nowaki leaned over him and reached into the bedside drawer, grabbing the lube quickly, and before Hiroki could protest, had coated two of his fingers and shoved them, not too gently into Hiroki's anus.

'Mfftt', whatever words that were going to come out of Hiroki's mouth were immediately lost, and he was overcome with the feeling of Nowaki's long fingers inside of him, twisting and turning, stretching him. Suddenly, Nowaki curled his fingers, hitting the special spot, causing Hiroki to yell loudly and arch into his lover's hands.

'Hurry Nowaki!'

'Yes, Hiro-san'

Nowaki inserted another finger and began scissoring them up and down, trying to stretch Hiroki as best as it could. Seeing Hiroki's face turn redder and that Hiroki was thrusting very willingly into his hands, Nowaki knew that he was ready. He immediately withdrew his fingers, and slammed his cock into Hiroki's hole, entering him completely on the first thrust and right to the hilt.

Hiroki screamed wildly as he was suddenly filled so fully and the sharp pain and immense pleasure soared through him. Nowaki after letting him adjust to his size, began thrusting shallowly into Hiroki.

'Harder', muttered Hiroki with tightly shut eyes.

Nowaki immediately complied, pulling out almost completely before roughly thrusting back into Hiroki. He tilted Hiroki's hips so that he could hit his special spot every time, and as he reached between them to grab Hiroki's member which was now leaking, he started rubbing Hiroki feverishly, All this was too much for Hiroki, and when Nowaki bent down to capture his lips, his whole world exploded into stars and he came violently, splashing on both their chests. Hiroki's walls clamped down tightly on Nowaki's member, causing him to moan loudly, and he thrust into Hiroki a few more times before coming deep inside him.

Sated and exhausted, Nowaki gently collapsed on top of Hiroki, taking care not to crush him.  
Hiroki's arms wound slowly around his lover's sweaty back and he held him on top of him. After awhile, Nowaki pulled out of Hiroki, took a wet cloth to wipe each other down, before tucking themselves into the warm bed, wrapped up happily around each other.

The last thought that Hiroki had before he fell asleep, was that everything was too good to be true. He really did love Nowaki, and he didn't think he'd had ever been this happy in his life.


	2. Chapter 2

Junjo romantica does not belong to me, though i wish it did!

2 weeks later

Hiroki watched bleary eyed as Nowaki raced around the kitchen, rushing to prepare breakfast, while frantically washing up and getting dressed. It was Nowaki's turn to make breakfast today, and due to a long night shift in the hospital, he had overslept.

'I can make breakfast on my own Nowaki, I'm not a kid.'

'Yes Hiro-san, I know that, but a promise is a promise, today is my turn to make breakfast, so I should do it. Furthermore, cooking for you makes me happy.'

'BAKA! But you're going to be late for your shift at the hospital, and didn't you say your mentor is really strict about punctuality, and he's been working all of you to the ground. Plus, because he's been giving you so much work, you are permanently exhausted, and barely have enough rest as it is. You don't have to make breakfast Nowaki.'

'It's all part of the training Hiro-san. It's not easy, but I really enjoy my work, and the houseman-ship is only going to last one more year. It's the make-or-break time, as many trainee doctors drop out of the programme because it is too tough or they can't take it. But I will not let anything get in my way of passing my houseman-ship, cause this is my dream and only by becoming a full-fledged doctor will I be able to ...'

'Catch up with me right?! When will you get that stupid idea out of your head! I don't need you to catch up with me, do it for yourself and your dreams. I am happy with the way you are.'

Realising he had let too much slip, Hiroki blushed furiously and ducked his head, staring at the few bruises on his forearm and his knees, wondering silently about where he got them from. He must have been really clumsy lately.

'I'll make breakfast, you go get changed!', he growled at Nowaki. Suddenly he felt warm arms wrap around his shoulders, and a warm breath against his ear.

'Thank you Hiro-san, for supporting my dreams, for everything. I love you Hiro-san', Nowaki whispered softly into Hiroki's ear, tightening his embrace around Hiroki, before giving him a peck on his ear. Hiroki flushed again, and quickly wriggled out of Nowaki's arms and grabbed whatever was nearest, which happened to be a box of tissue paper, and threw it at Nowaki.

'Pervert, go get changed already! You're running late. Jeesh.'

Nowaki gave him his usual big adorable smile, before thanking Hiroki again and ducking out of the kitchen to get ready for work. The smile was infectious, and despite Hiroki's best efforts to keep his face stern, the warmth that spread from his heart brought an unconscious tender smile to his face as he busied around the kitchen preparing breakfast for his lover.

After a hurried simple breakfast (due to Hiroki's lack of cooking skills), he walked Nowaki to the door to bid him goodbye.

'Hiro-san, I have the day and night shift today, so I will probably be home only around 4, 5 am. So don't wait up for me, or prepare dinner for me alright. I will grab something at work', Nowaki rambled on as he pulled on his outer-coat.

'Ok. You better be eating properly, you're looking so worn and fatigued lately, and you're growing thinner. It's not healthy, and if you fall ill, the more you won't be able to work and learn well', lectured Hiroki.

'Hai, Hiro-san. I will try my best, but our mentor always has so much for us to do, that the trainees never have much time to even sit down for a minute, much less eat. But don't worry, I will be fine. You being so concerned about my well-being makes me really happy Hiro-san!'

'Shut up! Of course I am concerned about your well-being, you are my ... I MEAN, if you fall sick how are you going to be a good doctor right?! GO GO GO! You're going to be late! SHOO!', stammered Hiroki rather sharply, before shoving Nowaki out of the door and slamming it behind him.

Leaning his back against the door, he breathed deeply, angry at himself for nearly saying too much that morning, and tried to calm down. Suddenly, the phone rang, and he quickly went to pick it up.

'Moshimoshi... Yes, this is Kamijo... Oh my health check-up report is out? I have to make an appointment with the doctor before I can get my report results? ... Alright, I am free tomorrow from 4pm-5pm... Yes that's fine. Thank you. Goodbye.'

As he hung up the phone, he had this unexplainable sinking feeling in stomach.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Staring at the doctor in shock, pure shock, Hiroki, with all the education he had received, could not comprehend anything the doctor was saying. All he could see was the doctor's mouth moving, with no sound accompanying, but the rush of blood in his ears, and the repetition of the doctor's prognosis.

'Kamijo-san, I am very sorry to tell you that you are suffering from leukaemia.'

Leukaemia. Leukaemia. Leukaemia. Leukaemia. Leukaemia.

It could not be true, his mind refused to accept such a cruel fate. He was so young, only 28, why did he have to have cancer. It could not be. He was just tired, overworked, not getting enough rest. He did not have leukaemia. The doctor must have made a mistake. Oh kami-sama. Thoughts like these flew around haphazardly in his brain, as the news and the surge of fear showed in the unconscious shaking of his body.

'... symptoms are fatigue, nausea and bruising. Kamijo-san, please listen to me. You are very lucky that your condition was discovered at such an early stage. Many patients who have leukaemia don't find out till when the cancer is in the last few stages where the only option available then would be a bone marrow transplant. Yours is still in the first stage, and you won't need a bone marrow transplant. With the advancements in medical research and technology, there is a very high recovery rate for first stage leukaemia patients who undergo chemotherapy and radiotherapy.' The doctor's voice finally penetrated the cloud in Hiroki's mind.

'Chemotherapy? I have to undergo chemotherapy..'

'Yes Kamijo-san. It will take about 6 – 9 months for the full session of chemotherapy and radiotherapy, depending on your reaction to the treatment. I'd suggest you start the treatment as soon as possible. However, during this period, we'd suggest that you take leave from work, as the consequences of the treatment can be extremely trying on your health and body, and you will probably need someone to care for your needs. Do you live alone, or will you have someone to look after you?'

God, Nowaki. What was he going to do about Nowaki. Look after him? Yes Nowaki was a doctor in training and all, but that didn't mean that Nowaki had to look after him now that he was sick. Training! Nowaki was so bogged down with work at the hospital that he didn't even have time to eat, rest or sleep, how was Nowaki going to look after him. Furthermore, Hiroki hated being looked after. He felt that it made him feel useless, and pathetic, which was why he always rebuffed Nowaki so violently when he was ill, and Nowaki tried to mother him.

Suddenly, a realisation shot through him with stunning clarity. Knowing Nowaki, if forced to choose between being a doctor, or nursing Hiroki... he'd give up his dreams of being a doctor. NO. Nowaki worked too hard for too long to get to where he was today, he couldn't give it all up just because Hiroki was sick. And as Hiroki mumbled his apologies, and that he'd require some time to think things through, all these thoughts kept swirling round and round in his head like a tornado.

In a daze, and acting solely on auto-pilot, he stumbled out of the doctor's office and the hospital blindly. Without even realising it, caught up in his thoughts, he wandered down random streets. Lost in his panic and fear, all he could do was to keep on walking, as though it would give him an answer, or at least bring him to a point where he could resolve all his problems.

Even though Nowaki always said that he wanted to be a good doctor so that he could be worthy of his 'Hiro-san', or so that he could catch up with him and stand on equal ground together, Hiroki had seen how much Nowaki loved his job as a doctor, and how happy he was to be able to help others. His gentle, loving, caring and warm personality, that he so loved, was perfect for being a paediatrician. He could not take that away from Nowaki, no matter how much Nowaki would say that Hiroki was the important thing in his life. He could not make Nowaki choose between him and being a doctor, or put aside his training for the 6-9 months while he had to undergo treatment. He would never become a burden to Nowaki, though he loathed to admit it, he loved Nowaki, and he never wanted to be an obstacle in Nowaki's way. It was bad enough that the treatment would be costly, and he'd have to stop work, he absolutely refused to be a deadweight to the person he loved and cherished the most, and get in the way of his dreams.

Shaking his head furiously, Hiroki was finally able to pull himself out of his trance-like state upon deciding that. Looking up, he realised that despite his almost catatonic state, he had managed to walk himself back home, and he was standing at the steps to his apartment. His home, with Nowaki.

Feeling his heart clench with pain at that thought, he gave himself a mental shake. 'Enough of all that mushiness', he warned himself sternly. Slowly, he trudged up the stairs, like a man with the weight of the world on his shoulders. He let himself in to the empty, quiet and dark house, closing the door, before collapsing against the door and sliding boneless-ly to the floor. He sat there for the longest time, before finally allowing the tears to overcome him, crying the first time since Nowaki had returned. Curling up into a ball, he rocked himself as tears silently ran down his face.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Sometime through the night, Hiroki managed to pull himself up from the cold floor next to the door, and crawl into the bedroom, not bothering to even lay out the futon, but just grabbing the quilt and dragging it over his shivering body. He was sick enough as it is, he shouldn't make his health worse. The tears had stopped sometime ago, running dry from all the sobs that seemed to tear themselves from his heart inside his chest. It hurt to be dealt such a cruel fate, when things had finally settled down for Nowaki and him, and he was finding his happiness.

Closing his red and puffy eyes, he prayed for sleep to come, so that he could at least be granted some temporary relief from the aching pain in his heart. The pain this time was a lot worse than the time Nowaki left and the time he was stood up by Nowaki after Nowaki had come back from America. Hiroki, for the second time in his life, seemed to have lost control over the direction and path of his future, and he hated it. Hated the fact that he had no control and that he did not have a plan, he did not know what to do.

With so many emotions coursing through him, it felt like forever before Hiroki fell into a restless sleep.

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6.00 am

Nowaki opened the door to their apartment silently, and tiptoed into the house, taking care not to wake up Hiro-san. It was almost sunrise, and he knew how much Hiro-san loved to sleep in on Saturdays, so he loathed to wake him up. His shift had lasted longer than expected, with his mentor dumping a whole stack of charts on him at 4am. His back, feet and legs were aching from standing all day, and his neck had a crick from the time he had fallen asleep in the trainee common room during a 10 min lunch break. He was exhausted, and all he wanted to do was collapse onto the bed and get some well-deserved rest.

Creeping into Hiro-san's room, he found Hiroki lying on the cool floor, with no futon, and only a quilt covering him. He seemed to be really cold as he kept taking shuddering breaths in as he slept, curled up in one corner. Nowaki went to Hiro-san's side, and kneeled down beside him, lifting a hand to run through Hiro-san's milk chocolate brown hair. So soft, so fine, such a sweet smell.

Nowaki always loved his Hiro-san's hair the most, that and his adorable face. Hiro-san's hair was always well so soft, and he loved running through his fingers through his Hiro-san's hair, feeling the fine-strands brush across his fingers. He would never get tired of touching Hiro-san's hair or smelling it as Hiro-san slept with his head tucked under Nowaki's chin. Sometimes the pain of losing patients at work caused him so much angst and heartache that he couldn't sleep at night, but the moment Hiro-san wrapped his arms around him in his sleep, and Nowaki took in a lungful of the smell of Hiro-san's hair, everything seem to fade away with Hiro-san in his arms. He felt sometimes, that Hiro-san was all that was keeping him sane in his job that demands so much out of him, physically, emotionally and mentally.

Getting up slowly, Nowaki shuffled to the bathroom to shower and scrub the day's dirt and grime off him, before quickly slipping into his boxers and shirt, and sliding under the quilt beside his Hiro-san. The floor was chilling to his skin. But the moment Hiro-san unconsciously shifted backwards to lean into Nowaki in his sleep, allowing Nowaki to wrap around him, spooning him, the cold was replaced with the spread of warmth from deep within him. And with a satisfied sigh, he happily drifted off to sleep.

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a really short one, cause again i was feeling abit urghs, and wanted to get some of it out somewhere. haha. might not be able to update as quickly as the past few for the next chapt got an exam coming up, but i'll do my best (; please keep reading & reviewing. reviews totally make my day!

xxx

J-170: sorry its so short :p couldn't find a better place to stop. Promise you'll get a long long one once i find the time to write the next chapt.

savagen: i love fics that make me cry :p hahaha. I hope mine will get you there eventually!

Sammei: thank you so much ((((: your review made me so happy. Hahaha. I'm really enjoying writing this story. So its double joy that you enjoy reading it too. I love Hiroki's character, the stubbornness and that immense pride that always prevents him from showing the affection he feels for Nowaki inside. The walls he puts up. Sheesh. But then Nowaki always comes along and breaks everything down :D hehee. You'll just have to keep on reading to see what happens next!

Kuzon234ray: THANK YOU FOR YOUR SUPPORT XXX


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

When Hiroki woke up, the sun was high up in the sky. Thank goodness it was a Saturday. He blinked blearily and instinctively reached to his left, groping and searching for his lover. All he got were rumpled sheets that were cool to the touch. An unexplainable weight settled into his chest, accompanied by this hollow empty ache. Nowaki must have had to go to the hospital for the morning shift again, Hiroki told himself, attempting to soothe the irrational feelings welling up in him.

Rationally he understood that Nowaki was busy with his houseman-ship and all, but since when was the heart a rational thing? How Hiroki wished sometimes that he could wake up in Nowaki's arms... that had not happened in what seemed like forever. Despite the yearning, Hiroki's pride would never allow him to say all that to Nowaki. Furthermore, Nowaki was well worn out from work alone, he didn't need a needy lover pestering him.

'Needy lover.'

He growled mentally at the thought of him being one.

Hiroki knew he should be getting up, instead of lazing in bed like a useless fool. But after receiving the news of his illness yesterday, he felt that he had lost all the fighting spirit in him. There seemed to be no point in doing anything anymore. He gazed at the empty space beside him, and his heart clenched tightly in his chest.

What was he to do about Nowaki? Nowaki was working so hard, toiling tirelessly and endlessly just to become a paediatrician. He often said it was so that he could catch up to Hiroki one day, or that he wished to become a man worthy of Hiroki, but Hiroki knew that other than those two factors pushing him to succeed, Nowaki's dream in life was to become a paediatrician so that he could help others in need, and especially sick orphans. Nowaki had experienced it himself, and he knew the loneliness and despair they went through, and while he kept that side of himself hidden most of the times, there were moments where the hurt, loneliness and despair he suffered as a child shone through brilliantly through his eyes. It was times like those that make Hiroki's heart ache with the knowledge of the pain Nowaki went through, and all he wanted to do was to wrap his arms around Nowaki and hold him tight.

If he were to tell Nowaki of his condition, he knew that Nowaki would put everything aside, to care for Hiroki. He wasn't being conceited here, but he knew his lover too well. Nowaki was too self-sacrificing sometimes.

Suddenly, something Professor Miyagi said awhile back rang through his head. He was talking about his own relationship...

'If one day I become an obstruction in his life, I will walk away. I will not impede his future just because I want to stay by his side. He is so much younger, and he still has so much ahead of him that he has yet to achieve or experience. I will not deprive him of that chance just to stay with him. I'll walk away, If it is better for him.'

The parallels of the Professor Miyagi's situation and his were obvious. The treatment and the subsequent recovery period required of his illness would force Nowaki to take time off his work, or stop work completely to care for him. Hiroki hated relying on others, he was brought up to be a self-sufficient person, and the idea of being so helpless that he had to have Nowaki to look after his daily needs disgusted him. But the main thing was that Nowaki would definitely have to career on hold, to care for him and nurse him back to health. Hiroki had effectively become the largest obstruction in Nowaki's future.

Tears slide unwillingly down Hiroki's face as these unbidden thoughts flooded his head. He flipped over and shoved his face angrily into his pillow, hoping that would stop the crying.

Perhaps he could hire a maid to look after him? No. That option was definitely out. Though Nowaki was a doctor-in-training, and he an assistant professor, the chemotherapy and radiotherapy was going to be extremely costly, and seeing as how he would not be able to work during his treatment, he would have to dip into his savings, and finances would be tight. He would not be able to afford a maid. Maybe he could go live with his family in Kyoto during the treatment, and they could care for him. Yeah, that sounded like a good idea. But what about Nowaki? He definitely would not let Hiroki move to another city without him, and Nowaki was currently working at a hospital in Tokyo with Japan's top paediatrics ward. His department only took in three people per year, and he was one of the special three. He could not make Nowaki throw away such a good opportunity like that.

Racking his brains for what seemed like eternity, coming up with ideas only to toss them away a few moments later, he was left with only one solution. He had to leave Nowaki, at least for the period of his treatment. Hiroki did not know what else he could do, that would ensure that his illness would not obstruct Nowaki's future, while seeking treatment at the same time. Only by leaving Nowaki, and heading to Kyoto to stay with his parents while undergoing treatment, could he protect the dreams and aspirations of the man who was the most dearest and important to him.

A new wave of tears burst forth as Hiroki sobbed brokenly into his pillow, curling up in a foetal position. It hurt so much. The thought of having to leave Nowaki tore through him like a knife cutting through a piece of cloth, shredding it up. Nowaki had done so much for him, and even though Hiroki seldom showed his love or affection, he did love Nowaki, more than anyone else ever in his life. So now, for his lover's sake, he had to let go. He had to gather up his courage and his broken heart and walk away.

But for now, all Hiroki could do was lie there, crying and breathing in Nowaki's scent, letting everything wash over him.

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The gaffa: Thank you! hahaha. I know the feeling :p i'm always reading fanfic when i should be studying. Ah wells.

Savagen, kuzon234ray, tinker16, cortcort : thanks for reviewing!!! Very happy to get reviews (:Hope you guys are happy with this chapt.. Its a sad chapter ): my heart was aching writing it


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

After what seemed like eternity, Hiroki finally had the strength to get up and going. It was the weekend, so he didn't have much to do. But if he was going to go through with leaving Tokyo and Nowaki, and heading home to undergo treatment, he had much to prepare for.

And so with a heavy heart, he got down to making a bunch of phone calls. First he rang his parents, informing them of his condition and that he wanted to go to their place in Kyoto for his treatment and recuperation. He was totally dreading this call, as he felt all the anguish he would cause his parents by informing them of his illness was extremely unnecessary, and if it weren't for the fact he had to leave Tokyo and required someone to care for him during his treatment, he would have preferred to keep them in the dark.

Twenty minutes later, after calming his sobbing mother down over the phone, and settling the minor details of his move to Kyoto, he finally was able to get off the phone. Next he had to contact his doctor to arrange for a referral and treatment in a Kyoto hospital, type out his request for one year unpaid leave from the university (he felt that the fewer people who knew about his condition, the less likely Nowaki would find out and the less fuss he had to deal with), arrange for his train ticket, call up the housing agent to include Nowaki's name in the title deed with his and many other more miscellaneous things.

Hiroki went about this in a mechanical, detached manner, for he was numb inside. He had cried his eyes dry, and the emotional anguish and pain that stemmed from him having to leave Nowaki had left him feeling all hollow and empty inside. It had hurt so much that he couldn't feel anything at all. He just had to do what he had to do.

Suddenly, the thought occurred to him. What was he going to tell Nowaki? I'm leaving you? I will be back in a year's time, please wait for me?! There was no way Nowaki would let him just waltz out of his life like that without demanding a reason. What could he say then? Furthermore, who was to say that he would definitely recover after the treatment? His condition could easily worsen, or the cancer could get more aggressive, or he might even die. With a ticking time-bomb in his hands, and such an uncertain future, it would be extremely unfair to Nowaki to ask him to wait. Hiroki might never get the chance to return to Nowaki... He couldn't just leave Nowaki hanging there like that, he had been through it before, when Nowaki had left for the States to pursue his further education. It was a horrible feeling, and a pathetic situation to be in. Constantly wondering how the other was, why the person left, what had he done wrong or how he could get the person back.

No. He could not leave Nowaki like that. Hiroki was leaving Nowaki for Nowaki's sake. He did not want Nowaki to worry about him, or wait blindly for him to come back. He wanted Nowaki to be able to concentrate on pursuing his dreams, and to achieve success in whatever he wanted to do. If he had the chance to recover, maybe he could try coming back then. Only if he was healthy, would he come back, and perhaps Nowaki might forgive him and give them another chance. He couldn't possibly be so selfish as to ask Nowaki to wait alone for him for an unknown period of time. If Nowaki could find someone else he loved, who loved him back, and find his happiness, he would wish them the best and move on with his life.

A sharp pain tore through Hiroki'ss heart suddenly, brought on by the thought of Nowaki holding someone else, loving someone else, making love to someone else. He drew in a sharp jagged breath as cruel images flooded his mind.

Clenching his teeth, he forced his rollercoaster-like emotions down, and resolutely decided that he had to break up with Nowaki. Especially if he wished to keep his illness a secret and disappear quietly, while ensuring that Nowaki would continue working towards being a paediatrician, for he knew that based on Nowaki's character, he'd throw himself fully into working, so as to avoid whatever pain or hurt he might feel from the breakup. Given time, Nowaki would immerse himself fully in his job, and move on from Hiroki, protecting both Nowaki's future and Hiroki's secret.

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thanks guys (: all e great reviews make me want to keep on writing. teehee. not a very long chapt. but i've got a super super long chapt coming next. so don't worry! Heh.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

1 week later

Hiroki had finally settled all the major and minor details involved in his disappearance. He was exhausted, physically, mentally and emotionally. The only thing that was keeping him from breaking down completely was his desire to protect Nowaki and Nowaki's dreams. He could hold on for one day more, for he was leaving the next day, after Nowaki went to work. Most of his essential stuff was packed and hidden in one of his chest meant for storing his books, and once Nowaki left, all he had to do was to pack a few remaining necessities and pick up his stuff and go. He had no choice but to leave all his precious books behind, for it would be too obvious if he moved them beforehand, but too time-consuming to move it on the day itself.

Nowaki had the night off tonight, and Hiroki had arranged such that at least he got the chance to spend one full night with Nowaki before he had to walk out of his life, at least temporarily. Hiroki was preparing dinner, glancing at the clock in the kitchen, waiting for Nowaki to come home. It was silly, but Hiroki wanted to cook a full proper meal for Nowaki before he left. It was the least he could do for the man that he loved and who loved him so much. Nowaki was always the one doing the cooking on nights in.

'I might never get the chance to eat Nowaki's home-cooked meals again,' Hiroki thought bitterly, as such unbidden thoughts rose his mind causing a few tears to roll down his face and plonk into the soup he was currently stirring.

'SHEESH! What is wrong with me?! Since when have I become such an emotional mess! What a joke, here I am crying over a pot of soup.' Hiroki angrily rebuked himself mentally, while shoving the heels of his palms into his eyes, attempting to stop the flow of tears before it became another crying fest which he seemed so fond of nowadays, much to his self-disgust.

'Tadaima!' Nowaki's voice rang loudly through the small apartment, shocking Hiroki for abit.

'Okaeri Nowaki.' Hiroki quickly replied after recovering from his shock, while hastily swiping at his face to make sure there were no traces of tears left on his face. He quickly turned the fire off and went out to meet Nowaki.

'Dinner's almost ready. I made stewed mackerel, fried cabbage, miso soup and rice, is that ok with you?'

'Of course it is ok Hiro-san. Anything Hiro-san makes is delicious. I can't wait for dinner.'

'Impudent rascal.' Hiroki muttered at Nowaki while taking a swipe at his extremely tall lover's head.

'Go wash up, I will finish up with ...'

Nowaki had suddenly grabbed Hiroki around the waist from behind, pulling Hiroki sharply against his broad chest.

'I've missed you so much this past few weeks Hiro-san. I'm so sorry I've been so busy that I hadn't had much time to spend with you. I will definitely make it up to you tonight, I promise.' Nowaki whispered huskily into Hiroki's ear, before kissing his ear gently, and leaning further down to nuzzle Hiroki's neck.

'Wh-wh-what you mean make up to me tonight? It's not like a test where you HAVE to make up for it if you miss it. I mean...'

Hiroki's stammered reply died out as Nowaki's nuzzling became long licks and kisses from his collar bone right to his ear. Nowaki took Hiroki's silence as a sign of him enjoying his ministrations, and moved on to Hiroki's earlobe, nibbling on it gently and worrying it with his teeth. Hiroki groaned softly as Nowaki latched on to his earlobe, suckling. The whole time Nowaki's hands were moving constantly over Hiroki's body, as though trying to memorise each line and angle of his lover's body.

Suddenly, Hiroki spun around, and kissed Nowaki on the lips, stunning Nowaki as Hiroki hardly ever took the initiative in their love-making. He groaned happily as Hiroki's lips moved sensuously against his, and he finally got over his momentary shock and moved to plunder Hiroki's mouth ruthlessly. He was extremely turned on by this forward, daring side of Hiroki and couldn't get enough of it. Hiroki's hands clenched tightly onto Nowaki's sweater, as their make-out session got more passionate.

Pulling at the sweater insistently, Hiroki indicated to Nowaki that he wanted the sweater off now. Complying, Nowaki raised his hands to allow Hiroki to pull his sweater and undershirt off all at one go, before attacking Hiroki's buttoned down shirt enthusiastically. Hiroki splayed his small hands across Nowaki's warm chest, running his fingers across his broad chest, attempting to commit the feel of Nowaki's skin under his fingers to memory. He stepped forward suddenly, interrupting Nowaki's actions, and placed a gentle kiss on Nowaki's chest, the whole time blushing furiously, and trying not to look up at Nowaki. If this was the last time he was going to make love with Nowaki, he refused to be a passive participant in it, and hoped that by being a bit more active, he would dare to give Nowaki the attention he never dared to before.

Placing a few kisses and licks here and there as he moved downwards, Hiroki struggled to put his pride aside so that he could pleasure his lover, for the first time, and perhaps the last. Nowaki was so stunned by Hiroki's actions and activeness that all he could do was stand there watching Hiroki, albeit being extremely aroused. This fact was evident when Hiroki reached Nowaki's belt buckle, and there was huge swell underneath. Nowaki was so aroused it seemed that the zipper of his jeans was going to burst. Hiroki licked his dry lips nervously as he undid Nowaki's belt buckle and carefully pulled the zipper down. Nowaki's underwear was already wet.

Reaching inside hesitantly, Hiroki drew Nowaki's large engorged member out and stroked it a few times gently. Taking a deep steadying breath, he closed his eyes nervously before leaning forward to give Nowaki's member a small lick. He could immediately feel it jump in his hand, and hear Nowaki's sharp intake of breath from above. Liking Nowaki's reactions and desperately wanting to please Nowaki, he firmly clamped down on his pride, and took the head of Nowaki's member into his mouth. This was the first time he had ever given anyone a blowjob, and he was very unsure of what to do. But he remembered the times that Nowaki pleasured him so intensely with his mouth, and Hiroki was determined to allow Nowaki to experience some of the pleasure Hiroki so often received.

Mimicking Nowaki's past actions, Hiroki swirled his tongue around the head of Nowaki's member, eliciting a guttural moan from Nowaki. Encouraged by the sounds from his lover, Hiroki opened his mouth wider and attempted to take Nowaki in deeper. Nowaki immediately reacted by reaching towards Hiroki's head, and entwining his hand into Hiroki's hair, running his fingers through his hair, pulling gently when Hiroki did something special, like hum or run his tongue down the vein on the underside of his member. Sensing Nowaki was near, he pulled back till only the tip of Nowaki's member was in mouth, sucking hardly such that his cheeks hollowed in, and pushed his tongue against the slit.

'Hiro-san! Stop! I'm going to c-co-co...'

Before Nowaki could finish the sentence, he had reached his intense climax, and spurted into Hiroki's mouth. Hiroki quickly attempted to swallow as he had seen Nowaki do so many times. He was mortified at how wantonly he had acted and he refused to look up at Nowaki, though he was very aware of his own arousal throbbing in his pants.

'Hiro-san, I'm so sorry I came in your mouth. But it was so good, you're just wonderful Hiro-san.' Nowaki murmured dazedly, still recovering from his intense orgasm.

Nowaki pulled a very embarrassed Hiroki up towards him and engulfed his mouth in a fierce kiss. Hiroki moaned unconsciously into the kiss, surrendering and kissed back, attempting to pour all his unspoken love and emotions for the man kissing him into that kiss. Nowaki quickly divested Hiroki of his shirt, and reached down to rub the heel of his palm against Hiroki's erection. Hiroki felt pleasure shooting his veins as he leaned into Nowaki's touch, grasping at Nowaki's shoulders almost painfully.

Nowaki quickly stripped Hiroki of his pants and underwear, and stepped out of his own, turned on again by Hiroki's reactions to his touch. He captured Hiroki's lips again and pulled him gently to the floor of their living room. Moving downwards, he caught one of Hiroki's dusky pink nipples in his mouth and alternated between sucking and pulling on the nipple. Hiroki threw his head back in pleasure as his hands scrabbled across e smooth floor as though looking for something to hold on to as the tidal wave of pleasure attempted to wash him away.

Nowaki switched to his other neglected nipple, and gave it the same attention, before biting down on it, causing Hiroki to arch off the floor in pain and pleasure. His member was leaking by now, and Nowaki having spotted Hiroki's situation, reached a hand towards his arousal and began stroking him. Hiroki moaned loudly and surrendered himself totally to Nowaki's skilful hands, as Nowaki brought him closer and closer to the edge, when suddenly just as Hiroki was about to tip over the edge, he stopped. However, before Hiroki had time to bemoan the loss of Nowaki's touch, Nowaki plunged two fingers coated with Hiroki's secretions into Hiroki's hole. The slightly rough and sudden intrusion sent hot white pleasure flashing through Hiroki, as Nowaki probed and stretched him, before brushing against that special nubbin, causing Hiroki to arch off the floor again as though electrified.

'Now, Nowaki, now!'

Hearing his precious Hiro-san's demand, Nowaki quickly shoved a third finger in trying to stretch Hiroki as much as possible as quickly as possible. Pulling out, Nowaki climbed over Hiroki and positioned himself at Hiroki's hole. He then began to push forward gently, stretching Hiroki around his massive girth, before finally seating himself fully inside of Hiroki. Hiroki's leg wound around Nowaki's waist and clasped behind his back, holding him deep inside of him.

Hiroki groaned at the feeling of Nowaki inside of him, filling him up like that. He clung onto Nowaki's shoulders tightly, fingernails sinking into the flesh, pulling Nowaki's body almost flush against his and trapping his aching member between their two hot bodies. Finally accommodating to the intrusion, he gave Nowaki the signal to move, and Nowaki then began thrusting at a rather fast pace, slamming into Hiroki with every thrust and hitting the special spot inside of Hiroki, making his eyes cross with the intense pleasure of it all. Finally all of it was too much for Hiroki and he came, moaning loudly as the waves of pleasure overtook him. With his walls shuddering and clamping so tightly around Nowaki, Nowaki too tipped over the edge and as he came, he whispered throatily in Hiroki's ear, 'I love you, Hiro-san.'

They made love again one more time, the second time much slower, taking the time to enjoy each other's bodies, and the feeling of their naked skin against each other. Again when Nowaki climaxed, he whispered the same words into Hiroki's ears, causing tears to spring into Hiroki's eyes. Embarrassed, he quickly turned his head to the side, hoping Nowaki had not caught that. But as usual, Nowaki was extremely attentive to his Hiro-san, and turned his head back, licking the trails the tears rolled down, and kissing each fluttering eyelid, as he whispered his love to Hiroki.

By the time they finally got to eating the dinner Hiroki so painstaking prepared, the food was cold, and the soup too thick. Hiroki, ensconced between Nowaki's legs, and leaning on Nowaki's chest, was grumbling non-stop about the waste of his effort, as they both sat down to have their meal. Nowaki shushed Hiroki with a gentle kiss, and proceeded to polish off everything Hiroki put on his plate and more, leaving nothing behind.

'It was a wonderful meal Hiro-san. Thank you so much. I love you Hiro-san', were the last words Hiroki heard that night before he finally succumbed to sleep, wrapped up in the strong arms of the man he knew he'd love for the rest of his life.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

Halfway through the night, Hiroki determinedly forced himself to wake up. Blinking in the darkness, it took him awhile for his eyes to adjust to the lack of light. Once accustomed to the darkness, he got up quietly, and turned on the small night light they had in the corner of the room, and then returned to the futon, to Nowaki's side.

Hiroki sat there quietly and pensively, watching his lover's peaceful sleeping face. He reached a hesitant hand towards Nowaki's face, caressing it gently, tracing the angles and dark shadows on his face, something he'd never do if the other was awake. He felt like he had nothing much to lose anymore, seeing as how he'd be leaving once Nowaki went to work in the morning. He didn't ever want to forget his bright smile that seemed to beam sunshine, or his caring eyes, or the warmth from his embrace, or the thrill his touch gave him. There was so much about Nowaki that he loved and cherished, and even though he had to leave, he would be taking all the wonderful memories they shared, happy, sad, bittersweet and funny times with him, kept permanently locked up in his heart.

He knew he was selfish for initiating so much last night, giving Nowaki the false hope that everything was alright, only to leave tomorrow. He knew he should have been keeping his distance if he wanted Nowaki to believe he had a change of heart, but he could not do it. To have to leave him was bad enough, but to distance himself physically & emotionally during what limited time they had left together was cruel. And that he could not do.

So Hiroki sat there, through the whole night, just watching Nowaki's face and the rise of his chest with each precious breath, and as usual, time flew by so quickly, that before he realised, it was almost time for Nowaki to get up. He quickly turned off the night light and slipped between the sheets and into Nowaki's warm embrace. Nowaki always felt so warm, like a hot water bottle, and he could feel the warmth immediately radiating through his body. He bit down hard on his lip, clenching his eyes tight, willing himself not to cry or make any sound and give up his charade... despite the aching pain in his heart. Without noticing, his charade became real, and lulled by the warm loving embrace of Nowaki, Hiroki drifted off to sleep.

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'RINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!'

Hiroki sat up with a jerk, seeking out the source of the noise. It was the alarm he had set the previous night in case he fell asleep. He looked beside him, and on the empty side of the futon lay a note from Nowaki.

'Thank you Hiro-san for last night. It was wonderful. I love you Hiro-san. I'll try to come home as early as I can, I've missed you so much recently.'

Clenching the note tightly in his fist, all he could think of was how Nowaki would feel when he rushed home after work, only to find the apartment empty and Hiroki gone.

'NO NO NO NO NO NO! Don't think of that! Just concentrate on what you have to pack, and what last minute things you have to do before you leave. Don't think of anything else. You have to leave and thinking about other things is not going to make it any easier!' Hiroki screamed at himself mentally. He had to get ready for his train was in two hours, and he had to leave in an hour.

Forty-five minutes later, Hiroki was packed and ready to go. His packed bags sat by the door, and all that was left for him to do was to write a letter to Nowaki. Hiroki was a literature professor, and by no means found writing difficult, but this letter, was so painful to write, that all he could do for awhile was grip the pen tightly while staring blankly at the piece of paper.

With a shaking hand, he lowered the pen to the paper, and painstakingly wrote the letter.

'Dear Nowaki,

Thank you for everything the past few years, it was wonderful. But as time has gone by, I realise that I'm no longer in love with you. We have drifted too far apart in our goals in life, you are on your way up, and you have so much more you can and should achieve, while I'm just happy being where I am now. I do not think our relationship is suitable for each other anymore, and I hope you understand my reasons for doing this. Please do not look for me, as I do not wish to be found by you. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me for my sudden decision for I just couldn't bear it any longer. I have to leave. I wish you all the best in your career and your life, and hope you become the best paediatrician I know you can be and find someone who you love more.

I will not be needing my apartment anymore, but I have added your name as a co-owner of the place... for all the contributions you've made to this house. Feel free to continue living in it till you find a new place.

Goodbye.

Hiroki'

Stiffly setting his pen down and placing the letter on the table where Nowaki would be sure to see it, Hiroki took a look around his apartment, no, their apartment. This place held so many memories, so much was given and lost here. He did not want to leave, but he had to, and so with a last glance at the picture of Nowaki and him in the living room, he took a long shuddering breath, picked up his bags swiftly, and walked out of the door and out of Nowaki's life.

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Thanks all my reviewers (((: you guys have been absolutely absolutely lovely!!!

Hello new readers! Kawaii hime-sama & dennis (: thank you ppl!


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

One month later

Hiroki retched violently into the toilet bowl. There was nothing left in his stomach to throw up, he had emptied its measly contents a long while ago, but still the nausea remained. He could hardly keep anything down nowadays... a symptom of the chemotherapy. He rested his pounding head against the rim of the toilet bowl, fighting the rolling waves in his stomach. His throat was all scratchy and dry from throwing up the acidic contents of his stomach, and his whole body trembled vigorously from the toll on his stomach and his body in general that the treatment was causing to them.

He could hear his mother knocking urgently at the door, extremely worried about the condition of her son, as he had bolted from the dinner table, in the middle of dinner, and locked himself in the toilet to throw up. The least he could do was not throw up in front of his parents and make them worry more than it was necessary.

'Hiroki, are you ok? Do you need anything, some water perhaps?', called his mother anxiously outside the bathroom door.

'I'm fine Mother, go back and finish your dinner. I'll head to bed in abit.' he croaked feebly, hating how his voice sounded so weak. He laid down on the cold tiled floor of the bathroom in his parents' house, and fought back the bile that was once again rising in his throat. Tears burned at the back of his eyelids as Nowaki came to mind. Nowaki and his warm hands, his loving embrace and how he would always make everything go away. How he missed Nowaki, with every aching cell in his body.

Suddenly, as he burrowed his head into his arms trying to stem the tears, a sharp pain shot through his arm, that reminded him of the needle holes in the inside of his elbow. They had patched the area up, but it was still extremely tender to the touch, and the veins through which the chemicals entered through throbbed constantly, as a painful reminder of his illness. But the treatment was going well, and he had received his second dose of chemotherapy just yesterday. The symptoms that had immediately presented themselves, right from the start of the treatment were the nausea and body tenderness and aches, but other than that, he was still in a pretty normal condition. But he knew it was only a matter of time before the hair-loss and weight-loss began.

However, the two things that always hurt the most, was the burning, searing pain of the chemicals entering his bloodstream and travelling through his body. The pain that was wrought on his body as the chemicals killed cells was excruciating, but as he did not want his parents to worry, all he could do was to bite on his inner cheek to prevent himself from making any sound. The other, was a emotional pain, the pain of missing Nowaki. Hiroki could acutely feel Nowaki's absence, and only now did he really realise how part of life Nowaki previously was. Even the smallest activities in daily life, he had fond memories of Nowaki, and he missed Nowaki terribly. Every time the pain coursed through his body, how he wished that he could grip Nowaki's hand till the pain faded away. Without Nowaki by his side, he felt weak and useless... to the point where he felt sometimes that he wanted to give up on the treatment, cause it was so painful. But when he thought about the possibility of recovering, and going back to Nowaki again... Hiroki knew he had to deal with the pain. He had left Nowaki to recover from his leukaemia, the least he could do, was to endure the treatment right till the end, recover and returne to Nowaki's side. If Nowaki would have him back.

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At the same time, in Tokyo...

Nowaki collapsed tiredly on the floor of the apartment he shared with his Hiro-san. No, correction, used to share with Hiro-san. Hiro-san was no longer around, and pretty much not his anymore. He was exhausted from the long day at work. He had been putting in extra hours the past few month, in hope that by occupying himself, he would not have the time to think of Hiro-san.

But now left alone in his quiet, dark and empty apartment, emotions and memories from the not so distant past assaulted his mind. He remembered distinctly the day he came home from work, only to find a note and Hiro-san gone. He could not believe it, how could the wonderful night they had shared the night before produce such an outcome the next day. He did not understand it, and neither did he understand the note Hiro-san had left for him. Nowaki knew he was not worthy of Hiro-san, and that the distance between them status, career or achievement wise still existed, but he did not doubt the love they had for each other. Nowaki saw the love that shone in Hiro-san's eyes the night before, and he did not believe that Hiro-san was no longer in love with him. He refused to believe, and could not allow himself to believe it, for his entire reason for living, and believing in himself, came from the fact that his Hiro-san loved him, and that they were together.

Nowaki had then spent the next few days after his Hiro-san left, searching for him. He went to the university first, where he had stormed into Hiro-san's office looking for him. Hiro-san was nowhere to be found, and his table which normally would be cluttered with his precious books and papers was empty. As Nowaki stood there staring at the empty table in shock, refusing to believe that Hiro-san would have left his most precious job which he loved with a passion, Professor Miyagi cleared his voice softly behind him.

Nowaki swivelled around anxiously, hoping it would be his Hiro-san, only to be extremely disappointed to see Professor Miyagi standing there. To see Nowaki's face fall from that of high hopes, to abject misery, was painful, even for a person of little emotions like Miyagi Yoh.

'Where is Hiro-san?!' Nowaki demanded almost angrily from Professor Miyagi.

'You mean you didn't know? I'd have thought he would have told you that he had took a year off from his job at the university. Why are you looking for him? Has he disappeared?'

'He left... He left me a note that I only saw when I got home from work last night, to say he was leaving, and not to look for him. WHY?! WHY WOULD HE LEAVE ALL OF A SUDDEN? Did you know if anything had happened recently?'' Nowaki asked frantically, almost desperately.

'Hey, relax, calm down. I don't know anything. If anything, I'd have thought you would be the one to know what was going on. Not me.'

Hearing those words, Nowaki's shoulders immediately slumped down in defeat. He didn't know who else to ask. Hiro-san never had many friends, just Professor Miyagi and Usami Akihiko, and he had already rang Usami-san on his way to the university, and Usami-san too had no idea what had happened to Hiro-san. Nowaki was out of options, and he did not know what to do. His precious Hiro-san had disappeared from his life, and he had no way of finding him back.

Desolate and depressed, Nowaki proceeded to spend the next few days roaming the streets of Tokyo, going to every place Hiro-san and he had ever visited. The old bookshop that Hiro-san so loved, the family restaurant they used to always eat at, the supermarket near their place. But no matter how hard he looked, how long he searched, his Hiro-san was nowhere to be found.

And so he had thrown himself completely into his work, hoping that it would take his mind off Hiro-san. But he still refused to move out of their apartment, hoping that one day, if he waited long enough, Hiro-san would feel his love and longing and come back to him and their apartment. Till then, all he could do, was to block out the hurt and pain of Hiro-san's unexpected and sudden departure as well as his renouncement of their love, and bear with the aching emptiness and loneliness of living without his Hiro-san.

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hello my loves (: haha, i'm sorry it took such awhile. been all jetlagged and dead -.- and i don't have internet, so i had to run all the way to my friend's place to upload this new chapt. haha. i think its longer 0_o and i hope you guys enjoy it. xxx


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

4 months later

Five months had pass since Hiroki had started his treatment, and five months and one week since he left Nowaki and their life together behind. The treatment was going well, and his doctors here in Tokyo were extremely pleased with the results so far. Despite that, it did not mean that the pain of the chemotherapy was any easier for Hiroki to bear, especially since he had to go through it alone. Yes, his parents had been wonderful, supporting him, taking care of his daily needs and such, but as he was now an adult, and having lived many years away from them, he no longer felt comfortable relying on them emotionally like he did as a child. It was bad enough he had to rely on them physically, when it should be the other way around. He felt extremely wretched and useless every time he thought of that.

Stretching his arms as he lay tiredly in bed, he groaned unconsciously as pain shot through both his arms. The chemotherapy, having reached the final stage was getting even more intensive. The cocktail of chemicals that they injected into his body were extremely harsh on his already frail body, and it had caused the veins in his right arm, that they originally used to inject the chemicals into, to collapse. This meant that they could no longer inject the chemicals through those veins, but rather had to switch to other viable veins, like that on his left arm or other areas.

Hiroki sighed resignedly and threw his less damaged left arm over his eyes. He was sick of this existence. The symptoms of his chemotherapy seemed to be amplified on him, leaving him with horrible nausea spells, resulting in him being unable to keep much food down, and being extremely picky about his food. Coupled with the weight-loss that would definitely come with the treatment, his already slim body had now shrivelled to the point of skin and bones. Dark shadows hung on his face, and his hollowed cheeks gave Hiroki an even more emaciated look, a look he knew gave his mother a lot of grief.

That was why he kept himself in his room most of the time, accompanied by his precious books. The constant dizziness and nausea played a major part in that too, for he could not stand up for too long before the world started spinning. He had figured that the best way to deal with the dizziness, which he hated, was to just sleep it away. Furthermore, he was never a massive lover of nature anyway. Hence, Hiroki spent his days cooped up in his room, reading and writing.

And so Hiroki was writing one day, when he remembered the letters that Nowaki had written to him, but never sent when Nowaki was in the States. A sharp pang hit his heart, when he thought of how angry, abandoned, hurt and betrayed he had felt when Nowaki left. He was putting Nowaki through the very same thing, and that knowledge was killing him inside. He couldn't help but wonder if leaving had been the right decision. It felt right at that time, especially if he put Nowaki's career first, but now, feeling the pain of separation again, doubts constantly plagued his mind.

'NO NO NO!!! You didn't torture yourself for so long about whether to leave, what was the right thing to do, then packing up and actually leaving him, and going through almost the entire treatment just to doubt your actions NOW. You've held on for too long to just give in like this. Recover and then you can go back to him to seek his forgiveness. Get healthy and then you can be with him again, and he'd never know. This was the best choice for him and his future.' Hiroki raged at himself mentally, attempting to force those doubts out of his mind.

Suddenly, the thought struck him. He should write to Nowaki, just like Nowaki did in the past. But Hiroki did not intend to send those letters; it was just his way of dealing with his pain, from the treatment and leaving Nowaki. If Nowaki had been here, they would have gone through each detail of the treatment and shared the times together. That was what he would put into the letters... though he was not sure if he ever would show Nowaki those letters, for he had not decided if he ever wanted Nowaki to know of his illness and the treatment he had undergone behind Nowaki's back. Maybe one day, if Nowaki even took him back, would he perhaps tell Nowaki of all that happened, and even show him the letters, that was if he did not die of embarrassment first. But for now, it was Hiroki's way of dealing, an outlet for all the emotions and thoughts that he had kept bottled inside of him for the past five months. As he gently caressed the large sweatshirt that Nowaki always wore at home with one hand, he put pen to paper, and began writing his heartfelt letters to Nowaki.

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Not so far away in Tokyo, Nowaki tossed restlessly in 'his' room, being unable to sleep in the room he used to share with Hiroki ever since Hiroki left. Sleep was hard to come these few days, and when he was finally able to, it was usually a restless sleep, plagued with dreams of Hiroki's back turned towards him, and him always reaching out for Hiroki but never getting anywhere near.

'Hiro-san...', Nowaki heartbreakingly mumbled in his sleep.

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Hello hello 3 how's everyone been doing? Its almost Christmas time. Hehee. I love love love Christmas. Its such a happy time. Which makes me feel abit odd about writing such angsty stuff. Well I hate giving ppl spoilers about the next chapter, but I promise it'll be a good one and probably really long. I've been waiting to write this chapter since I started writing this story, so give me a wee bit of time to write it properly. Coupled with the crazy festivities. Heh. Please keep reading and reviewing. OMG I can't properly convey how damn happy I am to get so many reviews and hits. You guys have been fantastic encouragement for a first time writer, and it makes me want to keep on writing (: Thank you my loves. I hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas and a happy new year! Take care! xxx


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

In a train heading out of Tokyo...

Nowaki stared out of the glass windows of the train, watching blurred images just fly pass him, letting the world pass him by. He simply did not care anymore. Everything seemed to have lost its brilliance, the sparkling shine that came with each new day, new experience and new place. Hiro-san had made his world complete...

He had never really fought for much before he met Hiro-san, he was content to live a peaceful simple life, where his priorities lay in just surviving. He did not dare to dream or wish for something better, for what use were dreams and hopes for an orphan, who had no parents' love or protection. He had to do without such idealistic thoughts, and just concentrate on the hard facts of reality; what he had to do to ensure a roof over his head, food, and a decent existence. Don't get Nowaki wrong, he did not hate living, or lack the zest for life, or was a hardened emotionless person having faced so many obstacles so early in his life, but rather that having the need to survive imbedded into his lifestyle and mindset at such an early age at the orphanage, that was the only way he knew how to live.

Until the day he met Hiro-san. Seeing Hiro-san crying in the park so despondently, Nowaki could not quell the surge of protectiveness that came forth. Being a loving and friendly person, he always tried to be nice and warm to everyone he met, but never had he felt such a yearning to protect someone from harm, so that he would never cry like that again. It stunned him, and fascinated him at the same time, and he knew he had to get to know that person better.

Once he got to know Hiro-san better, Nowaki finally understood that Hiro-san would put up a tough shell around him and acting all mean and fierce, while in actual fact that shell was incredibly cracked and weak, and the inside was fragile and transparent. The seemingly unobtainable cold person, was actually a warm, loving person, albeit the fact that he was rather socially inept and struggled to show emotions or his affection. This fuelled the fascination and obsession, and it made him fall for his Hiro-san, a man so wonderful and deserving of love, but had never been cherished and loved the way he should, and since that day, Nowaki had loved Hiro-san with all his heart.

It has been over five months since Hiro-san left, and Nowaki still couldn't figure out why he left, and where he went. He had searched everywhere he could think of in Tokyo, but it seemed as though Hiro-san had just vanished off the face of the earth. Nowaki was at his wits end...

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Two days later...

Hiroki was heading into the hospital for his second last dose of chemotherapy. His muscles screamed in agony as he struggled with the small flight of stairs up the hill, atop which the hospital sat. He realised too late that he should have just taken a cab to the hospital since he had rejected his mother's offer of company, instead of trying to save money and taking the subway. He was incredibly dizzy as it is, and his vision was swimming, and now he was really tired from the short walk and climb to the hospital. But Hiroki had nothing left, except his pride, and he refused to show such signs of weakness and ask for assistance. He had realised sometime in the last few months that subconsciously one of the reasons why he left Nowaki was because of his pride.

Firstly, he refused to be a burden on Nowaki. The fact that he would damage Nowaki's career opportunities aside, he refused to be taken care by Nowaki as though he was an invalid (just like his parents were treating him at the moment). Secondly, he fundamentally was rather concerned about appearances, always making the effort to appear neat and well-groomed. The thought of Nowaki seeing him all sick and frail, throwing up constantly with vomit all over him, and now his loss of hair... it was a disgusting wretched feeling. He did not want any pity, and seeing it in the eyes of his parents was bad enough, Hiroki thought that he would want to die if he ever saw that in Nowaki's eyes. All he ever wanted to see that was that shining love and warmth. The look he remembered in those eyes, was what kept him going through the worst days.

Sighing, Hiroki gripped the railing of the stairs tightly and leaned on it for a moment, hoping it would make the swirling effect of his dizziness go away. He swiped at the sweat that dripped down his face and pushed the beanie on his head further up. It was in the middle of summer, and having to wear the beanie was excruciating in the heat. He hated it, but he had no choice. His hair had started to fall out in earnest after the fifth or sixth chemotherapy session, leaving bald patches and a sparse head of hair now at this point of time. He hated seeing himself in the mirror, but yet he could not bear to shave his head bald either. So he continued torturing himself with his horrible reflection, and the fallen strands of hair that covered the floor of his room. He felt like a cat shedding fur sometimes.

Gritting his teeth, Hiroki finally managed to haul himself up the stairs, and walked slowly into the hospital. He sighed tiredly at the thought of having to go through another round of chemotherapy again. It was really tortuous on him, and if the treatment did not work this time, he did not know if he had the willpower and strength to go through another round again. Resignedly, he took the lift to the oncology department, and went to the nurse station to obtain his treatment room number, before he proceeded to start another painful hour of chemotherapy.

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An hour later, Hiroki lay his head tiredly back on the head rest of e seat he was sitting in. The nurse was removing the long thick needles that had been imbedded in his elbow, feeding the chemicals into his body. He was exhausted, and he could feel the chemicals starting to take effect. It was a nauseating feeling. Gripping the handrests of the seats tightly, he slowly raised his fragile body out of the seat.

A wave of dizziness suddenly hit him, and he staggered unstably as he tried to walk. The nurse quickly rushed to Hiroki's side to lend a helping hand, holding on to his arm gently. Embarrassed by his act of weakness, Hiroki shooed her away, politely at first, but resorted ultimately to his infamous acidic glare when she refused to let go. Grumbling and muttering under his breath, Hiroki insistently made his way down the hospital corridor unassisted. It was bad enough he was being smothered by his parents at home, he refused to be treated like an invalid in public.

As Hiroki made his way slowly down the corridor, waves of nausea and dizziness hit him constantly, leaving him more dazed and weak with each step he took. Suddenly, it became all too much for poor Hiroki, and he stumbled and slammed into the wall. Groaning loudly, he slid down the wall, crumpling onto the floor.

Hiroki's vision swam as he struggled to maintain his consciousness, when all of a sudden, he felt two large and warm hands grabbing him gently, and a oh-so-familiar voice speak gently to him.

'Sir, are you ok? Are you a patient here? Do you need to see a doctor?'

Even though his mind did not believe his ears, Hiroki's heart knew that it had met its other half again, and immediately recognised the voice and the touch. Hiroki raised his eyes slowly, hesitant and afraid... afraid of disappointment, afraid that it wasn't really him, but merely his ears playing a cruel trick on him, and at the same time afraid it was him, that he was going to meet him in such a wretched state.

When chocolate brown eyes met dark blue eyes, as clichéd as it sounds, time seemed to stop. There was no way in hell Hiroki would ever forget those eyes; those wonderful loving deep eyes. And as recognition slowly crept into the black eyes, together with questions, hurt, pain and so much more, Hiroki could not tear his eyes away from that of his ex-lover, the man he loved more than anything or anyone else.

'Hiro-san...'

He was finally back in Nowaki's arms, after all this time... but this was not how he wanted Nowaki to find out, now what he wanted Nowaki to see. NO! He could not let Nowaki see him like this.

Wrenching himself out of Nowaki's arms, Hiroki scrambled away from Nowaki, quickly stammering, 'Who are you talking about? You must have gotten the wrong person. Sorry. I'm fine, I don't need your help. Thank you. Goodbye.'

Finding the last burst of strength in him, Hiroki shot up, and turned around and desperately half ran half stumbled his way down the wall.

'HIRO-SAN! WAIT! COME BACK!'

Hiroki could hear Nowaki shouting urgently behind him and it was getting nearer with each passing second. No, he could not let Nowaki catch up with him. Then, everything would be out. He could not let that happen. Digging into his limited reserves, as his vision swam and blurred, he made the last final dash to the taxi stand, jumped the queue, shot into a waiting taxi, and screamed at the taxi driver to take off.

Just as the taxi driver hurriedly pulled away from the hospital, Hiroki could see Nowaki sprinting out of the hospital on those long legs of his, and desperately searching for him. Sinking low into the seat, Hiroki prayed silently that Nowaki did not see him, and foolishly hoped that Nowaki would think that he was merely a stranger, and that it had been a misunderstanding.

With the blink of an eye, Hiroki had reached his house. Dazedly, he paid the taxi fare and stumbled into his house before another wave of nausea hit him again. He barely made it to the toilet before he threw everything up into the toilet bowl. Finally, after retching till his throat was all hurting and raw, the nausea seemed to subside, leaving Hiroki feeling emptier and more wretched than he ever felt in his life.

Large fat tears rolled unbidden down his cheeks as the reality of the whole mess that was his life and Nowaki hit him. He could not believe how painful it was to see Nowaki again after so many months. Raking through his memory, he conjured up the image of Nowaki he had before him for those few precious seconds. Nowaki looked thin and gaunt, with dark shadows below the dark eyes he had been staring into. Was he not taking care of himself? Was he working too hard? He looked way too unhealthy, but still the best thing he had seen in the last five months.

A sharp pain shot through his heart, leaving him clutching the material of his shirt just over his heart, and curling up on the cold tiled floor in a foetal position. He sobbed unconsciously into his hand, pouring out all that he felt. After all the torture of the last five months, he had thought himself numb and incapable of feeling pain anymore, but just one meeting with Nowaki brought all the emotions flooding back. The pain of deceiving and leaving him, the missing and the love he still had for Nowaki, it all hit him at one go, leaving Hiroki crippled from the emotional pain.

And so that was how he remained for a long time, curled up on the floor. He cried till his tears ran dry, and so all he could do was to stare emptily into space before slipping into an uneasy sleep. Awake, his thoughts were consumed by what was he to do about Nowaki and the possible situations that could arise. Asleep, his dreams too consisted of Nowaki, of the happy and sad times, together and apart.

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Merry Christmas my friends! I've been really rather angsty about alot of things lately.. but while this chapter isn't as angsty as my usual standards I feel, don't worry, more angsty chapters to come for us masochistic ppl. Haha. Hope you guys had a great holiday. REVIEWS WOULD BE THE BEST CHRISTMAS GIFT FOR ME! I will love you all to the moon and back then! (; xxx


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

Blinking blearily against the bright light shining in his eyes, Hiroki awoke slowly, groaning as aching muscles protested to him stretching. God, it felt like he had not used his muscles in forever, and then had all hardened into stone.

When his vision finally cleared enough to look properly at his surroundings, he realised with a start that he was not in his room. Looking around at the white pristine clinical room, Hiroki guessed that he was in a hospital.

'Shit', he thought, wondering what the hell happened. His memory was a little fuzzy, and all he could remember was him throwing up in the toilet. How did he end up in the hospital?!

All of a sudden, the door opened, and in walked his mother.

'Hiroki! You're awake. Thank goodness, I was worried sick about you. You passed out in the toilet after all that throwing up, and when I couldn't wake you, I panicked and had you sent to the hospital. My poor son...' She continued rambling as she fussed over Hiroki, to his great displeasure.

When she got like that, she really reminded him of Nowaki...

NOWAKI. SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT.

All the vocabulary that Hiroki had amassed in his years of studying literature eluded him, leaving him with a simple profanity that encompassed the anxiety, panic and confusion he felt. Not to mention the sudden blooming of pain and hurt in his chest, that he had long thought was numb and immune to pain. Obviously it was not.

All it took was a few seconds seeing Nowaki face to face, to bring all the buried emotions and issues charging to the surface again.

'Oh God. I had to get out of the hospital now. I'm fine. I don't need to stay here. I will be fine at home. I need to leave NOW!' Hiroki yelled frantically as he grabbed at the wires and tubes that were attached to his body, trying to yank them off himself.

In the midst of his frenzied actions, and his mum's alarmed cries and restraining, neither of them noticed the door sliding open quietly, and a tall man walking in. Till..

'Hiro-san'

Hearing that whispered name floating across the room, Hiroki froze, and he could feel dread seeping into every cell of his body. Oh God oh God oh God.

Turning his head slowly and hesitantly to the door, he wished with all his might that the voice he heard was merely a figment of his imagination. But just like always, someone up there really seemed to dislike him and enjoyed playing cruel jokes on him, for at the door stood Nowaki.

Hiroki could not tear his eyes away at the sight of Nowaki standing there, and his mother seeing the exchange between the two men, quietly slid out of the room.

Hulking and tall just like he remembered, and still devastatingly handsome, causing Hiroki's already frazzled and frenzied heart to skip a few more beats. But as Hiroki eyes swept greedily over Nowaki for that few short moments, he realised Nowaki looked so much thinner. Dark shadows hung on his face, and he looked tired and exhausted. Such a realisation caused his heart to constrict tightly...was this the result of his departure?

Suddenly remembering the situation at hand, and realising that he was staring like a fool, he quickly whipped his head away, and rearranged the look on his face to the one he used to use when teaching. Harsh and unforgiving.

'Nowaki. What do you want?' Hiroki bit out through clenched teeth, keeping a tight rein on his emotions.

'Hiro-san... I... How... You... W-What happened to you? Why are you in the hospital? Are you sick Hiro-san? Is it very serious? Are you ok...' Nowaki shot questions at Hiroki rapidly once he got over his initial hesitance.

Hiroki could not believe his ears. Here was the man who he had just upped and left without a word or warning, the man who had loved him unconditionally and completely only to be abandoned (like he had been as a child) and hurt, and yet all Nowaki was concerned about upon their reunion was Hiroki's health and well-being.

The realisation that he had abandoned Nowaki just like his parents had abandoned him, coupled with Nowaki's selflessness and evident concern made him sick in the stomach with guilt and pain. Lashing out was the only way Hiroki knew to handle such situations, and lash out he did.

'My health is none of your business. I don't need your concern. I no longer love you and you're no longer part of my life. So just get out.'

Hiroki's heart felt as though it was constricting into a quarter of the size it originally was. It hurt so much in his chest that all he could do was to turn his body and face to the size, while sinking his nails into the flesh over his heart, as though that would do him any good. Unconsciously he had clenched his eyes tightly, to prevent the tears that were behind his eyelids from flowing down. His other hand was fisted tightly in the sheets, as though to stop himself from hurling himself into Nowaki's arms.

'Get out', he repeated softly, defeated and disgusted with himself.

The door closed quietly.

Upon hearing that sound, the tears Hiroki had been holding back burst forth and he curled into himself in pain, sadness, defeat, guilt, disgust and so many more indescribable emotions. This was it. No more salvation for him. He had managed to chase the one good thing in his life out of it permanently.

But before his thoughts could sink any further into depression, Hiroki felt two familiar warm arms wrap around him tightly, engulfing Hiroki's frail thin body. Nowaki. Hiroki jumped in shock, and fought to pull away. But he was in no better condition to resist Nowaki as compared to the past.

Nowaki had never left the room, nor intended to, but had closed the door quietly to give them some privacy... He fully intended to persuade, cajole, plead, beg or even seduce Hiroki into taking him back. And to find out why he was in hospital.

Seeing Hiroki's reaction to the door closing, gave him newfound hope that Hiroki might still have feelings for him. He had never considered what Hiroki had wrote in the letter to be untrue, for he always had an inferiority complex with regards to Hiroki, and felt it was a miracle that Hiroki had chosen to accept him and be with him.

But he refused to give up on his love for Hiroki, and he had been waiting to persuade Hiroki to give him another chance. However, seeing Hiroki's current severe reaction, Nowaki felt a small bubble of hope rising in his chest that maybe, just maybe, Hiroki still felt something for him...

Embracing Hiroki tightly, Nowaki leaned in towards Hiroki's neck and nuzzled him gently. Hiroki stiffened and kept up his weak struggles, to no avail. Tilting his head up, Nowaki quietly whispered into his beloved Hiro-san's ear...

'I love you Hiro-san. I'm never letting you go again. I will follow you into the dark if I have to.'

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Love of mine some day you will die  
But I'll be close behind  
I'll follow you into the dark

If there's no one beside you  
When your soul embarks  
Then I'll follow you into the dark

I Will Follow You Into the Dark – Death Cab for Cutie

I cried writing this chapter. Incorporated a bit of my favourite song (: Happy new year everyone. Here's to more yaoi, more junjou romantica, more writing and love for everyone in 2009! Haha. More reviews please my loves! xxx


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13

Nowaki grazed his knuckles gently across Hiroki's peaceful sleeping face that lay nestled in his chest. His precious Hiro-san's face was pale from the exertion of the events that had happened recently, with red puffy eyes from all the tears that had been shed. Nowaki's face was not much better either.

The past months had taken a toll on both of them, but the emotional burden Hiroki had carried with him, the anguish of deceiving and then walking away from Nowaki, and the pain of going through chemotherapy alone had left Hiroki a shell of his former self.

At the thought of all that his Hiro-san had gone through, Nowaki's heart clenched tightly and a myriad of emotions coursed through him. The past hour, he had sat there listening to Hiro-san summarise all that had happened leading up to today before the exhaustion had grown too much to bear for his Hiro-san's fragile body and he had slipped into a deep slumber.

Nowaki still had so many questions swirling in his mind. Yes he still wanted to be with his Hiro-san, he still loved him, those two he could not deny. But neither could he deny the hurt and confusion that had engulfed him since the day he had returned home to find Hiro-san gone, and only a letter on the table.

Hiro-san's brief explanation of his illness and the reason for leaving – that his parents had wanted him home when receiving treatment – had cleared a bit of the confusion, but definitely not the hurt. Furthermore, seeing the way Hiro-san had avoided his eyes while giving Nowaki his reason for leaving made Nowaki certain that there was more to it that Hiro-san was not telling him.

There had to be more. It definitely did not account for Hiro-san not informing him of his condition. Nowaki did not know which one broke his heart more, Hiro-san leaving, or the fact that Hiro-san had kept his illness a secret from him. These two ate at him constantly.

Sighing gently, so as not to disturb Hiroki, Nowaki tightened his hold on Hiroki. Clamping down on the questions that swirled haphazardly in his mind, he went back to his previous task of re-memorising Hiroki's face.

His Hiro-san had definitely lost a lot of weight over the course of his treatment. Hiro-san had always been slim and petite, but with the weight lost, his body was now deathly thin and fragile looking.

As Hiro-san shifted in his arms, tightening his grip on Nowaki's shirt (an action that brought a slight satisfaction to Nowaki's abused heart), Nowaki could feel the sharp angles of Hiro-san's bones digging into him.

His arms that were wrapped around Hiroki's torso, could feel the grooves in between each rib, and staring at Hiro-san's gaunt face, his heart wept at the discomfort and suffering that seemed etched upon his face.

Sweeping his fingertips over the dark shadows on Hiro-san's face, he made a promise to himself and Hiro-san that he would do anything in his power to wipe those shadows of his face and erase the pain from his eyes.

Slowly Nowaki would get the answers he felt he deserved from his Hiro-san, and after that, they could heal together, and move on from this. He had to keep the faith that was possible.

But for now, all that could wait, both of them were exhausted emotionally and physically. What mattered the most was that Hiro-san was back in his arms again after what felt like forever, and he was never letting him go again.

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Hello hello (: i've been trying to work on my spacing for the story. I realised how annoying and painful it is to read large chunks/long paragraphs. Hence shorter paragraphs and more spacing in between each. Is it better? Heh. This is a pretty short chapt, abit from Nowaki's pov before I launch into the next part of the story. Hope you guys enjoy it! OH OH! THANK YOU TO ALL MY READERS OUT THERE :D SO MANY HITS!!! Hahaha. Made my new year. Thank you again my loves (:

PS. I try to differentiate between the third person's narration and Nowaki's narration. It kinda jumps in between. I think that 'Hiro-san' should only be meant for Nowaki alone :p and hence the third person narrator refers to Hiroki as Hiroki, while Nowaki's thoughts refer to Hiroki as Hiro-san. Makes sense? Heh, hope it's not too complicated. xxx


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14

Stirring gently, Nowaki opened his eyes slightly, only to wince and shut them tightly again upon the onslaught of the bright sunlight that was shining through the blinds. Sleep clung to his heavy eyelids, as his disorientated mind tried to make sense of his environment

What time was it? It had to be past mid-day, the sun was shining so brightly. How long had he been sleeping for? It seemed like forever since he had such a peaceful, dreamless sleep. Why was that... HIRO-SAN!

Eyes snapped open immediately upon remembering the sequence of events that had led to his current state, only to find the space beside him on the hospital bed empty and cool to the touch.

Jumping out of bed frantically, Nowaki checked on the toilet before dashing out into the hospital hallway searching for his Hiro-san, all to no success.

"NO NO NO. I just found Hiro-san, I can't lose him. I can't.' Nowaki's thoughts spun haphazardly in his mind, sending him into a greater frenzy.

The fear of losing him overwhelmed his normally rational and composed behaviour, causing him to grab the nearest nurse and shake her desperately (and unconsciously) as he questioned her.

"KAMIJO HIROKI! THE PATIENT THAT WAS IN ROOM 408! WHERE IS HE?!" Nowaki yelled loudly at the frightened nurse in his grasp.

"H-h-h-he wa-wa-was d-discharged this morning", the frightened nurse stuttered at the doctor who was scaring the daylights out of her. She did not know what had come over this normally sweet-looking man.

Eyes widening with shock, Nowaki felt as though he had been shot through the heart with a shotgun, blowing everything out. Twice Hiro-san had walked out on him, twice.

It had been pure luck that he had met Hiro-san again, having had to represent his hospital at a paediatric s seminar at this hospital. He had not dreamt that such a chance coincidence could have occurred.

But before he even had the chance to hold his Hiro-san tightly in his embrace again, never to let him go, Hiro-san had slipped out of his grasp once more. Nowaki did not know what to do anymore... he wanted to keep on fighting for their relationship, especially now the he knew how sick his Hiro-san was.

All he wanted to do was to love his Hiro-san, to hold him, to kiss him, to love him, to take away all the pain that had been wrought upon his precious body.

But Hiro-san had made the choice to leave him, again and again, and he wondered miserably, through the cloud of desolation that had descended on him, whether it was true that Hiro-san did not love him anymore, was that the real reason behind Hiro-san walking away not once but twice...

The next few days passed in a blur of misery and despair for Nowaki. He went through the motions of attending the seminars, but never really paying attention, never staying longer than required.

Patient information was confidential, and the hospital had refused to release Hiroki's contact details to Nowaki. This left Nowaki helpless and so he had taken to roaming the streets of Kyoto in his desperate state.

He had no idea where to start searching, no clue as to where his Hiro-san might be. He simply wandered the street of Kyoto in the darkness, a broken soul.

At the end of the five days that Nowaki had been in Kyoto, the paediatrics seminar came to a conclusion. It was time for the visiting doctors to return to their respective hospitals, and Nowaki to Tokyo.

He stood in a daze at the conclusion ceremony of the seminar, constantly thinking of his Hiro-san. He did not wish to leave Kyoto without at least seeing Hiro-san again. He preferably would like to take Hiro-san back home with him, back to their home.

But he had no idea at all where to find Hiro-san, and even if he were to find Hiro-san, would he still be 'his' Hiro-san or was Hiro-san lost to him forever? He did not want to leave, yet at the same time, he had to report back to work at the hospital the next day, and there was nothing concrete here to hold him in Kyoto.

Nowaki was at a complete loss at what to do. Lost in those thoughts, he just sat quietly in a corner while the ceremony drew to a close, and the refreshments were brought out for a little socialising.

Suddenly, he was shaken out of his reverie by the head nurse.

"Kusama-san, there is an urgent phonecall for you at the main desk. It is a Kamijo-san looking for..."

Before the kind nurse could even finish her message, Nowaki had shot out of his seat and was sprinting towards the main desk. All he could think of was his Hiro-san.

Skidding to a halt at the main desk, he snatched the telephone that was held out to him by the receptionist (rather rudely I might add).

"Hiro-san?!" Nowaki called anxiously into the receiver. He definitely did not expect the gentle kind voice that floated across.

"Sorry Nowaki-kun. I am not Hiroki. I'm Hiroki's mother. I am sorry to be bothering you like this, but as I grew aware of the relationship you share with my son, and the love you two share, I simply could not stop myself from contacting you."

"Oh. Oba-chan... is Hiro-san ok?!"

"I'm afraid I can't say he is in very good shape. He has locked himself up in his room for the past three days, and has barely eaten more than 5 spoonfuls of rice. I know he has been miserable since he left the hospital, but he refuses to admit it, and is just blaming it on the treatment."

"Oh Hiro-san", Nowaki heart-brokenly whispered into the receiver.

"Please come see him. I have no idea what else I can do. Please. I know he was the one who left you and hurt you, but please, just come see him once. That is all I dare ask." Hiroki's mother spoke sadly across the phone, shed and unshed tears evident in her tone.

"Of course oba-chan. Just give me the address and I will be there immediately", Nowaki promised Hiroki's mother.

He would give Hiro-san and their relationship one last shot. He'd give everything to have all that back... but if Hiro-san shut him out again, Nowaki did not know if he could stand to be abandoned by his most treasured person again.

Hiro-san had the ability to break him completely and irrevocably.

Hey guys (: a much longer one this time! Heh. The end is near! Two more chapters I think. I don't think I can squeeze much more angst out of this, otherwise it'd just get abit too convoluted and unnecessary. Massive chapter after this. So please be patient my friends! I just love how irrational & insecure Hiroki can be sometimes. How much more human it makes the character seem.

Thank you for all the reviews & hits! Extra twist :p what do you guys think? Heh. Please review! I hope i'm not getting too long-winded 0_o and dragging it too long. Do give comments!

xxx


	15. Chapter 15

Just a note: some monologue is in large chunks, so i split those chunks up into two or more paragraphs, but they're still from the same person. The tone and content of the monologue should be quite easy to determine who it's from.

**Chapter 15**

Lifting his trembling hand to the doorbell, Nowaki paused for a second...

His thoughts were in a whirl. He had dashed here as soon as he had put down the phone. But now that he was here, he was unsure of what to do.

What should he do? Rush in and profess his love for Hiro-san? Beg him to not leave him again? Demand an explanation? In front of Hiro-san's mother? Too many questions and uncertainty swirled around his mind.

What if Hiro-san kicked him out and never wanted to see him again? What if... Doubt was starting to join the crazy mess in his head, making his head pound loudly like an African drum.

Snapping suddenly, Nowaki slammed the doorbell violently, physically doing what he wished he could do mentally – slam the door shut on all the swirling thoughts. The pain in his hand gave him something to concentrate on, something to focus his thoughts just that bit, before the door swung open.

"Konnichiwa. I assume you are Nowaki-kun", a petite woman in her late fifties with a kind but tired face greeted him.

'Hai. My name is Kusama Nowaki. I am very sorry to be meeting you under these kinds of circumstances..."

"Oh, don't worry about that Nowaki-kun. Please, please come in." Hiroki's mother said as she ushered Nowaki into the house.

"Hiroki is in that room. I hope you can speak to him, encourage him, cheer him up. I do not understand what happened between the two of you, but I know he hurt you, and now he's hurting even more because of that..."

She trailed off as she moved to stand by the open sliding door that looked out onto the mini garden in the middle of the house. After staring at the green shrubbery for long moments, she finally continued, with obvious difficulty.

'When his childhood friend Akihiko let slip a few years back about my son's preferences and your presence in his life, I could not accept it. I could not believe that my only son was... I refused to admit it to myself for years, and kept quiet in the hope that one day he might bring a girl home to prove me wrong. But that never happened. All that came back was a sick son, a broken man."

By then, bitter tears had slid unconsciously down Hiroki's mother's face, as her grip on the sliding door tightened.

"The past few months have been horrible for Hiroki. While the treatment is going well, his body reacts so violently to the treatment, and seeing my son in so much pain is more than I can bear. But what hurts me the most, is that even when he sleeps, he doesn't get the peace and rest he needs. He dreams of you every night, calling out your name in his sleep. And I-I-I can't let him suffer anymore..."

Hiroki's mother covered her mouth as quiet sobs tore from her throat. Nowaki immediately moved to her side, and put a comforting arm around the petite woman, attempting to soothe the indescribable pain she had to be going through.

"Don't worry oba-chan. I will do my best." Nowaki told Hiroki's mother gently. A promise to her, and a promise to himself.

"Th-thank you Nowaki-kun. Thank you. If you are what makes Hiroki happy, and you can make him happy again... I have no objections. Just please..."

"Thank you oba-chan." Nowaki cut in gently, with a small gentle smile on his face, a shadow of the old Nowaki.

Composing herself, Hiroki's mother patted Nowaki's arm as though in encouragement before crossing the living room to pick up a medium-sized bag.

"I am heading over to my sister's place for the night, his father is out of town. I will only be back tomorrow afternoon. Please inform Hiroki. He knows where to reach me in case of emergencies. I got him to unlock the door today, so you can just make your way in. Thank you Nowaki-kun", was all she said before she turned around and walked out.

Slightly stunned by Hiroki's mother's actions, Nowaki stood there in a daze for a bit, before a low painful moan resounded from the room that Hiroki was in.

It was like a whip to a horse, and Nowaki quickly reacted.

Moving quickly to the door, he knocked twice quickly but gently before pushing the door open slowly. He was afraid that Hiroki would ask who it was, or what did he want, and upon hearing Nowaki's voice, lock him out of the room.

Stepping into the room quietly, it took awhile for his eyes to adjust to the dim lighting of the room. The lights were all off and the curtains shut, with only sliver of lights shining through where the curtains joined.

Once his eyes adjusted, he spotted his Hiro-san curled up in bed, swaddled in blankets even though it was rather warm. He was curled up facing the wall, with his back to Nowaki.

Suddenly, another low moan reverberated through the room. Hiroki twisted slightly in his sleep, in obvious pain. Seeing Hiroki like that left a twisting pain in Nowaki's chest.

"Nowaki..." Hiroki whispered hoarsely in his sleep.

"Oh, Hiro-san" was all Nowaki said before he strode over to the bed and wrapped his much longer and bigger body around Hiroki's fragile smaller one.

"Nowaki," Hiroki whispered again as he leant back into the familiar warmth for a few short moments, when suddenly he sprang up as fast as he could, biting a moan back in the process.

"Nowaki! What are you doing here?! H-h-how did you get here?" Hiroki tried to yell despite his hoarse throat as he scrambled backwards in the bed, away from Nowaki and pressed against the wall.

Nowaki slowly sat up, holding his hands out in front of him, as though trying to soothe or calm a skittish animal.

"Your mother let me in Hiro-san. She has no objections about us. Please Hiro-san, stop running away from me. Why do you keep running away from me? Do you detest me so much?"

"My mother?! W-what?! What you mean 'no objections to us'. Huh... And you! Why do you keep chasing me?! I told you to leave me alone. I don't love you anymore. GO AWAY!" Hiroki lashed out in desperation and confusion, his eyes flitting haphazardly around the room the whole while.

"I keep chasing you because I still love you... You don't love me anymore Hiro-san?" Nowaki asked very quietly and solemnly.

"Are you an idiot?! How many times do I have to tell you. I don't love you anymore. So leave now!"

"Hiro-san, you keep saying that but you won't look me in the eye and say that. If you really want me to leave, look me in the eye and tell me so. If I believe you, I'll leave."

Silence reigned for a long moment as Hiroki digested Nowaki's words.

"I.......... I-I-I don't...."

"You can't say it Hiro-san. You can't say it because it isn't true. You still love me. So why did you leave? Why did you leave knowing that you had leukaemia and had to undergo chemotherapy? Did you think I would not want you because you are ill? Is that how lowly you think of me Hiro-san?"

Hiroki had no answer to the barrage of questions that poured out of Nowaki's mouth. Those questions had evidently been haunting Nowaki. His heart constricted even more at the pain and sadness he had caused Nowaki.

Looking up, Hiroki caught Nowaki staring at him, with his intense dark eyes, previously so full of life, passion and happiness. But now sad and tortured, with an empty look there. All the lies he was conjuring forth got stuck in his throat at the sight of that.

"If you had stayed Hiro-san, I would have been able to care for you in your time of need. I would be able to try to minimise your physical discomfort. Why won't you let me take care of you Hiro-san?"

Hiroki finally snapped, and the words flew out of his mouth before he could stifle them back down.

"EXACTLY! IF I HAD STAYED, YOU WOULD HAVE FELT OBLIGED TO TAKE CARE OF ME. THAT WOULD MEAN YOU TAKING LEAVE OR QUITTING YOUR JOB TO CARE FOR YOUR SICK LOVER. THEN WHAT ABOUT YOUR JOB?! THE JOB THAT YOU WORKED SO HARD FOR DAMNIT. THE JOB OF YOUR DREAMS.

YOU'RE JUST A TRAINEE DOCTOR. YOU CAN'T AFFORD TO GO ON SUCH LONG LEAVE! THE HOSPITAL WOULD NOT HEAR OF IT. THEN YOU WOULD LOSE ALL YOUR CAREER OPPORTUNITIES. I WOULD BECOME A BURDEN, THE PERSON DRAGGING YOU DOWN, THE PERSON WHO CAUSED YOU TO LOSE YOUR DREAM."

Hiroki yelled that out loudly into Nowaki's stunned face, only stopping to take in gulps of air at the end of the rant, before continuing quietly.

"I will not be responsible for the destruction of your dreams. I love you this much to let you go, to allow you to chase your dreams. I refuse to take that away from you. That's why I left. I don't need you to take care of me. I just don't want to be a burden to you. You might say you won't regret it now, but when you're older you would have, and then you'd resent me for it."

Hiroki sighed tiredly, rubbing his temples with shaky trembling hands, and turned his head quietly to stare blankly at the wall.

"So just leave Nowaki. Go back to Tokyo, and continuing working towards your dream, be the doctor you always wanted to be. My treatment is ending, and if I do recover, I will come back to you, if you still want me –"

Hiroki's quiet resigned words were suddenly cut off when he was engulfed in the strong arms of his love.

"Nowa –"

"No more of your nonsense reasons Hiro-san!" Nowaki said forcefully into Hiroki's ear, as he held onto Hiroki for his dear life.

"No more. Did you think my career is more important than you, Hiro-san. You were the one who gave me that chance to even get near my crazy impossible childhood dream of being a doctor. At that time it was just an excuse to get close t you. I never thought it was possible. And then as I studied and worked hard, it suddenly became possible."

"You were the one who made me want to aim higher in life. But did you really think I would have given you up when you're sick to chase that dream? When that dream would be pointless without you by my side to share it with me?"

"I know you would have given up your job to look after me Nowaki, I knew that! That's why I left," Hiroki's muffled voice came from Nowaki's chest, which he was being held against.

"You say I would regret giving up my dream. But I would regret it even more if anything had happened to you during the past few months and I was not there by your side... My heart has felt hollow and empty ever since you left, I just go through the motions everyday, and that was thinking you were somewhere safe and healthy. If anything were to happen to you, I-I-I don't know what I would have done..."

And then Nowaki was crying openly into Hiroki's shoulder, crying for the pain of separation, the pain his Hiro-san had endured through the treatment, the pain of knowing Hiro-san was seriously ill, the pain of the choices Hiro-san had made...

Hiroki was at a loss. He could not remember the last time he had seen Nowaki cry, and yet now he was crying so desperately on his shoulder. Tears soaked through his thin shirt, and the tears on his shoulder were so hot they felt like they were burning his skin.

The pain and sadness from Nowaki seeped into Hiroki, and it went straight to his heart, leaving him cursing himself for hurting his love so badly, and sowing seeds of doubt in his resolve.

Hearing the heart-wrenching and raw words from Nowaki's mouth had already shaken his resolve and determination to stay away from Nowaki. But now Nowaki's tears was further unsettling his shaky resolve.

Was his choice the right one? Especially when it had left the both of them in such dire emotional conditions. Both men were broken, and only together could they be set right again, that he knew.

As Nowaki cried hot tears onto his shoulder, Hiroki's heart burned with each tear Nowaki shed because of him. Nowaki was always the strong one, the one to look after him, to take charge, to protect him. But this time, Nowaki was the one who required looking after and mending, and Hiroki was the only one who could do it.

Hiroki had stayed apart from Nowaki for long enough, he had done everything in his powers to protect Nowaki in his own way. And yet, things still turned out this way. He was tired of fighting against the current. He was done pushing Nowaki away, and hurting both of them in the process.

As he ran a soothing hand up and down Nowaki's back, tears slid down Hiroki's face too. He was never letting go of his love again.

It was time to mend.

And so they remained, clinging to each other, almost desperately, unwilling to let go of each other ever again.

The End

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And so the story ends (: haha, I can't believe I actually finished the whole story. First fic and fifteen chapters -.- sheesh. I might add a short accompanying piece later on, still deciding on that :p was supposed to have 16 chapters. But this one ended up being longer than I expected, and I think continuing on for a past this point ending would just take away from this chapter as a whole. So the continuing on from this point will be the accompanying piece. Heh.

Anyway, thank you to all my readers & reviewers. I wish I could thank all of you individually. The number of hits to my story has been extremely encouraging, and it's been great having you guys along the way to guide the way. Haha. Please review!!! With regards to this chapter, and the entire story in general. Would really appreciate it. Hope you all will keep reading my stories. Probably gonna do a Sirius & Lupin fic next. Much love! xxx


	16. Epilogue Part 1

To the Moon and Back (Epilogue – Part 1)

Kamijou Hiroki bit down a moan as he slowly mounted the steps to his, no their apartment in Tokyo. His muscles were screaming in agony, protesting against the strenuous actions. The move back to Tokyo from Kyoto had taken its toll on his frail, recovering body, despite Nowaki's best efforts to care for him.

Hiroki had finished his final bout of chemotherapy almost two months ago, followed by a short treatment of radiotherapy. After close to 8 months of therapy, the doctors (and Nowaki) had finally given him a clean bill of health. The cancer cells in his body were gone, for now at least. The next few years would be full of check-ups to make sure the cancer does not come back. But for now, he was back to normal again.

"Well, as normal as a sick, useless, easily-exhausted person who was deathly-skinny, frail and with no hair could be", he thought bitterly to himself, as he paused on the fourth step to catch his breath.

He did not know which he hated more... His disgusting appearance or his poor health. He just wished he could just hide away in a corner and wither away sometimes. He had grown accustomed to shunning reflective areas, just because he could not bear to see a reflection he no longer recognised.

However, before Hiroki could sink further into his depressing thoughts, he was shaken out of it by the shuffling of Nowaki's feet, bringing up their luggage behind him.

Turning around slowly, Hiroki was greeted with the sight of his lover, Kusama Nowaki just as he started on the staircase, easily lifting two suitcases filled to the brim with food and products from Kyoto his parents had given to them.

Nowaki beamed a smile of pure sunshine at Hiroki, stunning Hiroki for a moment.

Hiroki could not understand so many things, and he was not accustomed to that. How could Nowaki smile so happily upon seeing him, for he was now a shell of the man he used to be? How could Nowaki hold him as though he was the most precious person in the world when he was all withered away? Why did Nowaki put his career on the line for him, risking the two months unpaid leave to care for him in Kyoto? Was he worth it? Would Nowaki regret staying with him once the realities of being back in Tokyo hit him?

So many questions swirled around his head painfully. He did love Nowaki more than anyone in the world, and the fact that Nowaki professed to love him too should have made him happier than ever, especially after all they had been through.

The fact that Nowaki was willing to chase a sick man down, after said man had disappeared from his life, and still want to be with him, should have been enough to soothe over any worries Hiroki had.

But still, the insecurities and doubt that had been seeded in him from the start of his treatment, and had flourished over the past 8 months, ate at him constantly.

How could Nowaki look at him so lovingly, when he could not bear to even look at himself?! The treatment had caused such immense weight loss that Hiroki was dangerously thin. And his hair. The hair that Nowaki had so loved to run his fingers through. It was gone now.

He had shaved it off shortly after Nowaki had come to Kyoto, for he hated waking up to clumps of fallen out hair on his pillow, and having Nowaki see that. He figured it would just be better if he just shaved it all off.

But it did not make him any less miserable; instead, it made him more acutely aware of how different he was from Nowaki's 'Hiro-san'. It ate at him constantly, like a parasite festering inside his heart and soul.

To the point, that he could barely bear Nowaki's touch, fearing that one day he would recoil in disgust.

Nowaki on the other hand, had no idea that Hiroki felt that way. He always knew that his Hiro-san took a certain amount of pride in his appearance, always making sure he looked neat and tidy.

But he never knew how much his change in appearance due to the treatment was killing him slowly inside, just like the cancer cells were.

Nowaki had thought his Hiro-san to be assured of Nowaki's love for him, that it was not judgemental, superficial or momentary. He had merely assumed Hiroki's behaviour to be one of exhaustion and crankiness.

He had given everything he could to Hiroki, and as long Hiroki was willing to stay with him, that was all he needed for now. With time, his Hiro-san would recover, and everything would go back to normal. Nowaki sincerely believed that, for he had faith in Hiro-san, in their relationship and their love.

However, the distance between them remained, awkward and painful, hurting each other, until one day, it finally all blew up.

Hello everyone! I'm back. Haha. Sorry for the long disappearance. Been a hectic month for me. Anyway, since I promised, here is part 1 of the epilogue. There's going to be a part 2 coming up soon! So do look out for it. REVIEWS PLEASE! Will be much appreciated.

Oh, and do check out my new story – its a Remus & Lupin (Harry Potter) one. Its angsty too, for all my fellow angst-lovers out there. Its called 'Cloudy Skies and Heartache'. Do support it! Thanks!

Ps. There'll be lovely action in the next. Grins.


	17. Epilogue Part 2

To the Moon and Back – Epilogue Part 2

Hiroki groaned slightly as a sliver of sunlight hit him right across the eyes, causing him to stir from his not so peaceful sleep.

Opening his eyes gingerly, he turned his head immediately towards his right, half hoping Nowaki would lie there slumbering, the other half hoping that he wasn't around to see him in an uglier state than he normally was in.

The space next to him was empty, and the sheets cool to the touch.

While relief did come first to him, Hiroki could not deny the cold emptiness that was disappointment and loneliness that crept slowly into his heart.

They had returned to Tokyo and their apartment together, almost two weeks ago. And immediately Nowaki had been plunged right back into work. His three months absence from his work at the hospital had been frowned upon by the hospital, and had nearly cost him his trainee position at the hospital. It was only with a long pleading session with the Head Doctor, and Nowaki's sincere explanation of Hiroki's situation, was he granted a second chance.

Hiroki had spent that entire time worrying, and blaming himself. For his moment of weakness in letting Nowaki stay in Kyoto, and risking his entire future. He had nearly ruined everything he had left Tokyo to protect. But thank goodness, the time away from his work had not done Nowaki too much harm career-wise, otherwise Hiroki would never be able to forgive himself.

However, this second chance came at a price. For everything Nowaki had missed over the last three months, including clinic hours, rounds and observations, he had to repay his 'debt' in as short a time as possible while taking on what was currently on the trainee programme as well.

This meant that Nowaki had spent most of the two weeks in the hospital, working endlessly and tirelessly, in his bid to catch up with all that he had missed. He had lost so much weight in just the short few weeks. Exhaustion and weariness shone through in Nowaki's entire being, dark eye circles on a gaunt face, and a thinner frame. It had made Hiroki's heart ache to see him so worn-out.

This also meant that Hiroki barely got a chance to see Nowaki anymore.

If he had thought the time before he had left for Kyoto was bad, this was a million times worse. It seemed like he had only seen Nowaki less than 5 times over the past 2 weeks.

They had returned to their apartment together, only to have Hiroki go to sleep alone at night, wake up alone in the morning, and eat the meals prepared by Nowaki by himself.

Hiroki usually was a rational man. A man who understood the importance of career to a man, and the necessary sacrifices that were involved. He understood that both he and Nowaki had to sacrifice many things for Nowaki to attain his goal of becoming a doctor, and that was originally what had pushed him to leave Tokyo in the first place.

However, now that Hiroki was left alone in his quiet apartment, with only his self-doubts, self-disgust and loneliness surrounding him... Rationality had been the first thing to go.

Hiroki started questioning Nowaki's love, doubting if it was real, or whether it was simply pity or an obligation to care for a sick man who had been his lover, after all they hadn't been intimate ever since he had left Tokyo more than 8 months ago.

Hiroki knew that Nowaki had his physical cravings that required satisfication. Hell, they used to have sex at least twice a day if they could afford to. And yet, Nowaki had not made a move to touch him ever since they had been reunited, not as though Hiroki thought that he was anything to desire.

Burying his head into his pillow miserably, Hiroki felt the tears building behind his eyelids as his insecurities and doubts threatened to overwhelm him.

However, despite his loss of self-esteem and despondent outlook, Hiroki would not allow himself to sink any further lower beneath his dignity by staying in bed crying and moping while his lover was out at work, slogging his guts out.

After what seemed to take forever, Hiroki managed to get up and wash up, ready to face another day. The whole time avoiding his wretched reflection in the mirror.

Laughing rather mockingly at himself in his mind, he thought to himself, 'how can you even expect Nowaki to look at you lovingly when you look like a shrivelled up monster?! Much less make love to you.'

Clamping down on those painful thoughts, he slowly trudged into the kitchen, aching muscles protesting loudly as they were stretched with each step.

On the table, as usual, sat his breakfast together with a note from Nowaki apologising again for having to work, what time he'd be back, and how long to microwave the food for. Gee, you'd think that after years of microwaving food, he wouldn't be needing Nowaki to give him microwaving instructions.

Grabbing the plate of grilled fish, he was just about to pop it into the microwave when he noticed a brown paper bag on the table. Curious, he opened it. Shit, Nowaki's lunch! Nowaki must have had forgotten to bring it with him to work.

He knew how busy Nowaki was at the hospital nowadays. To the point that sometimes he did not even have the time to go to the cafeteria to grab a bite. So Nowaki had taken to packing small sandwiches and various energy boosting snacks that he could eat on the go while running from one place to the other in the hospital.

Damnit, Nowaki was probably going to go without food for quite awhile if he did not have his packed snacks with him. Realising that, Hiroki immediately made up his mind to bring the paper bag to Nowaki at the hospital. It was bad enough he was working tirelessly, he didn't want Nowaki to starve too.

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After what seem to take like forever, Hiroki was finally ready to leave the house. He was incredibly self-conscious of the way he looked nowadays, especially without his hair. So he had grabbed an old baseball cap, and shoved it over his head, in his attempt to cover his bald head up.

Furthermore, due to his extreme loss of weight, his old clothes no longer fit him quite so well. They hung loosely on him, like clothes hanging on a hanger. He hated seeing himself like that.

Shoving those thoughts aside roughly, Hiroki gritted his teeth, and stormed out of the house. He was doing this for Nowaki, and all he had to do was get to the hospital, pass Nowaki his lunch, and then he could come home to his little hide-away place.

Hopping into a cab he had flagged down along the road, he directed the cab-driver to the hospital.

Sitting in the cab, watching the world pass him by as the taxi-driver weaved in and out of the heavy lunch-time traffic, he thought of how far removed he was now, from the outside world. He had taken to hiding away in his apartment, slowly whiling the days by. His life nowadays seemed to lack a purpose, and he felt completely useless as a person, and just a parasite on society and Nowaki.

His thoughts then drifted to the phonecall he had received a week ago, from Professor Miyagi. Apparently that stupid Nowaki had rang the university up, and informed Professor Miyagi and the Dean of his condition, asking for a second chance for him as well.

The Dean had been extremely kind in his understanding and generosity, offering Hiroki his old place back the moment he was fully recovered and ready to start working again. Professor Miyagi had relayed the Dean's concern and intention in the phone call, while complaining about the few idiots who had attempted to take his place when Hiroki was away.

Apparently, no one could compare to his 'Kamijouuuu-darling'. Snorts. It was more likely that none of them were able to handle Miyagi.

But concerning his job... Hiroki had completely pushed that out of his mind, with all the treatment, recovery process and Nowaki. Though he was still constantly reading, and did miss the fulfilling work he did in the university, teaching students and researching on the literary works that he loved, he had thought them out of his reach after all that had happened.

But he was incredibly lucky. After all that had happened, he still had his job waiting for him, and Nowaki there by his side. He already had Nowaki back (he hoped), and it was only a matter of time before his body finally healed to allow him back to work to pursue his other love.

Without Hiroki noticing it, the cab had already pulled up in front of the hospital. Shaking himself out of his thoughts, Hiroki embarrassedly paid the cab-fare, before hurriedly entering the hospital.

He immediately headed up to the Paediatrics floor, in search of Nowaki.

Upon reaching the floor, he stepped out of the lift, and was just about to approach the reception desk, when he heard, 'Nowaki-kun! Come here! I've missed you today!'

Hiroki immediately whipped his head towards the direction of the voice, and saw Nowaki's sempai, Tsumori standing in a corner with his arms draped from the back, over Nowaki'shoulders.

'Nowaki-kun! You've been so busy today, rushing here and there, that I haven't had time to see you or talk to you today!' Tsumori pouted as he repeatedly poked Nowaki in the arm.

'Sorry Tsumori-sempai! The lab results for a few of my patients came out today, so I've been rushing to get them to the patients. But now is lunch time, we can go have lunch together if you want, though I can only spare half an hour.' Nowaki smiled gently as he patted Tsumori on his head.

'OK! That sounds great! Let's go!' Tsumori happily grabbed Nowaki's arm and dragged him in the direction of the lift, which brought Nowaki face to face with a pale, ashen-faced Hiroki.

Hiroki immediately noted the shock and surprise that registered upon Nowaki's face, and how he immediately pulled his hand out of Tsumori's grip. The weeks and months of self-doubt and his worries regarding their relationship came crashing down on him.

Unable to stop the flood of images of Nowaki and his sempai together, of Nowaki leaving him, Hiroki immediately bolted. Dropping Nowaki's lunch on the floor, he spun around wildly, and jumped into an opened elevator, and jamming the close-doors button.

'Hiro-san! Wait! It's not what you think! Hiro-san!'

Despite Nowaki's desperate cries, Hiroki jammed the button even harder, praying that the door would close before Nowaki got to him, which they did, just before Nowaki slammed into the closed elevator doors. The last thing Nowaki saw, was his precious Hiro-san's face of unrepressed misery and unshed tears hovering in his eyes.

Hiroki on the other hand, was now trembling furiously in the lift. He felt so hurt, so betrayed. His deepest worries that Nowaki was only staying because of his obligation to his illness, or that he was leaving him, or that he had found someone else which was why they hadn't been intimate, had all seemed to combine together in that moment when he had seen Nowaki laugh so carefree and happily with his sempai.

He had not seen Nowaki laugh so easily around him ever since they had gotten back together. It felt that everytime Nowaki looked at him, there was an unspoken grief and regret that was hidden in the depths of his eyes. Maybe it was because Nowaki was regretting getting back with him, or that he found the current state that his Hiro-san to be in disgusting and repulsive.

Such thoughts swirled constantly in Hiroki's head, as he fled desperately from the hospital, as he returned home and as he lay, curled up in their bed, tears falling furiously down his face.

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Hello hello! I'm so sorry for the lack of updates. Been extremely busy, with studies and travels. Originally planned to only have 2 parts to the epilogue. But the 2nd part was getting so long that I decided to cut it into 2 parts. SO THERE WILL BE THREE PARTS TO THE EPILOGE (((:

Hahaha. So do keep reading please! Much love to all my readers out there, for always reviewing, always encouraging me, and well for always reading! Thanks my loves! xxx


	18. Epilogue Part 3

Epilogue Part 3

Nowaki entered the dark quiet house, silently shutting the door behind him before scanning quickly across the living room and kitchen, looking for his Hiro-san.

It was just past midnight and his shift had finally ended, thus allowing him to come home. The whole day had been absolute torture for him. When Hiro-san had left so dramatically in the afternoon, all upset and miserable looking, Nowaki had felt another part of his heart shrivel up and die.

He had wanted to chase after his Hiro-san, to explain everything, to wipe away the tears, to fix the misunderstandings and ease the unnecessary pain. But having missed so many important tutorials during his trainee period, the Head Doctor in charge of trainee doctors had arranged many private one-on-one lessons for him to catch up, and it just so happened that he had three of them lined up that day, all three that he could not miss.

And so he had spent the whole day in a daze, worrying and stressing over the scene that had unfolded earlier on. Nowaki knew of his Hiro-san's insecurities about his appearance and illness, and also of the jealousy that Hiro-san had refused to admit regarding Tsumori-senpai.

He had seen it all clearly written on Hiro-san's face as the elevator doors closed. He had sworn never to let his Hiro-san suffer again, and yet this had all erupted on his face.

Such thoughts just kept running through his mind on loop the whole day and on the short journey home. And as he surveyed the quiet empty apartment, it became quite clear that Hiro-san wasn't in the living room nor the kitchen, and neither did it look as though Hiro-san had even made his dinner.

Panic streaked through his thumping heart as he wondered if he had lost his Hiro-san again.

After spending seven months searching for him, and finally finding him all the way in Kyoto, Nowaki could not bear the idea of losing him again. Nowaki was not sure if he could go through any more of those empty, lonely months of mindless searching. Had he finally done enough to chase his precious lover away from him once and for all? And should he have left, Nowaki knew it would be close to impossible to find him again.

Drawing in a trembling breath, Nowaki padded silently over to the closed door that led to their bedroom.

With hands that were shaking ever so slightly, Nowaki slowly turned the door knob and pushed the door open.

With a soft whoosh, Nowaki let out the breath that he had unknowingly been holding.

In the corner of the room, all huddled up on the futon and swathed in blankets was unmistakably his Hiro-san's thin body, illuminated by the weak rays of light from the moon shining through the opening in the curtains.

Leaning back against the door frame, Nowaki lifted a trembling hand to his face and covered his mouth desperately, in a bid to keep his cries of relief in. Large tears rolled down his face as he came to grasp with how terrified he actually had been.

Terrified that he would return to an empty house again. Terrified that Hiro-san had abandoned him once and for all. Terrified about never being able to hold his only loved one ever again.

The whole time, he was watching the curled up figure in the corner. Hiro-san's thin and frail body. His chest rising up and down with each breath.

After getting his emotions more under control, Nowaki crept silently across the room and sat down beside Hiro-san's huddled form.

Running a hand gently over the side of his Hiro-san smooth head and down over his cheeks and to his chin, Nowaki was finally able to soothe his pounding heart. It was really his Hiro-san lying there, not a figment of his imagination.

At the very least, Hiro-san had not left. He was still there. Upset that was for sure, but still there.

As Nowaki stared entranced at his Hiro-san's beautiful face, his fingers unconsciously swept across his long brown lashes that had thankfully been spared the cruelty of the chemotherapy treatment, and this caused Hiroki to jerk awake.

Nowaki jumped slightly as he was suddenly pierced by two large hazel eyes. He immediately drew back his hand so as not to anger his Hiro-san any further.

Hiroki blinked his puffy eyes groggily as they adjusted to the dim lighting. Only after which did he notice the large hulk of a man sitting quietly beside him with his head bowed low down.

'Y-y-you're back', Hiroki croaked, his voice rough from sleep.

'Yes, my shift only ended at 11.30pm. I… I'm sorry Hiro-san. I wanted to come back and explain as soon as I could, but I had compulsory tutorials that I had to attend. And-and…'

'It's ok.'

Hiroki cut in swiftly before Nowaki could explain any further in a cold tone, and shuffled up into a sitting position against the wall, with his head turned away.

'Hiro-san, are you still angry about what happened today? Please I can explain. Please let me explain. There was nothing going on.'

Sighing tiredly, Hiroki lifted a hand to run it through his hair, only to remember that he no longer had any hair to run his hand through, hair that Nowaki used to love running his fingers through.

Laughing bitterly at himself, Hiroki lifted his eyes and stared straight into the dark blue eyes of his lover, or whatever he could call Nowaki seeing as how they haven't been together in ways that would allow him to refer to him as his lover in eight months.

'Nowaki. What are we doing here? We are living in a farce of a relationship. We've become like complete strangers, more of a nurse and his patient than lovers. Why did you even come chasing after me Nowaki? I didn't want to show you this ugly, sick side of me. I left so that you wouldn't have to see it. So you wouldn't be disgusted by this useless state that I am in. And after I recover, then maybe I could be the Hiro-san you fell in love with.'

'No! Hiro-san, you are still the Hiro-san I fell in love with. I don't care about how you look, you're still my Hiro-san. I could never think that you were ugly or disgusting. Never', Nowaki protested loudly as he grabbed Hiroki's wrists and tried to pull away the hands that his Hiro-san was currently burying his face into.

Snapping back in anger, Hiroki flung both of Nowaki's hands away and glared fiercely at Nowaki.

'Is that so? So then what's the reason for you not touching me anymore? Are you sure you aren't repulsed by the state of my body… If you were, I wouldn't blame you Nowaki. I can barely stand to look at myself, much less you. Just tell me the truth, and I'll leave, and you can be with your Tsumori- '

Before Hiroki could finish his sentence, Nowaki had grabbed both Hiroki's arms and shook him angrily.

'Stop deciding things for me! Stop treating me like a kid that didn't know any better, like the way you used to treat me when we first met. I'm 25 years old already, and I can make my own choices. I love you Hiro-san, I've loved you since I was 18 years old, and all these years I've never doubted my choices. Even back then, I knew that you were the one. How could you think so lowly of me, that I would be so superficial as to only see your looks, and not the beauty in you, that I would see you as a burden because of your illness, or that I would leave you because of that.'

Pulling Hiroki sharply towards him, Nowaki wrapped his strong arms firmly around the slightly stunned Hiroki, embracing him tightly as though he never wanted to let him go.

Hiroki held himself stiffly in Nowaki's arms, still too much in shock to realize that Nowaki had wrapped himself around him.

Nowaki had never raised his voice so angrily at him before. Hiroki had never quite believed Nowaki had it in him. But here he was, loudly and angrily proclaiming his love for him.

Hiroki was stunned. After all that had happened, after all that he had done to the poor boy, albeit for his own good, the silly boy was still fighting for him, fighting to be with him. His heart, that he thought to have buried that afternoon under the onslaught of fears, doubts and suspicions, started thumping hopefully again in his chest.

'Hiro-san. Please stop doubting me, yourself and our love. Please. I don't want anyone else… only you Hiro-san. I love everything about you. The good and the bad, and even your temper. So please, stop pushing me away. Let me in. Ever since we got back together, I know you haven't really let me into your heart again. You've been so aloof and cold. I hate it Hiro-san. So tell me please, how can I convince you that I want you, love you and need you desperately…'

Nowaki whispered fiercely into the crook of Hiroki's neck, in which his head was buried, as tears rolled unabashedly down his face and fell onto Hiroki's thin shirt.

Feeling the wetness of his shoulder, Hiroki was awoken from his reverie, and realised that his ever-smiling love was crying again. Nowaki had only cried once before, and that was that day back in his family home when they had been reunited after seven months.

Nothing made his heart hurt and clench tightly like the thought of Nowaki crying, especially crying because of him.

At that moment, hearing Nowaki's shuddering sobs in his ear, and feeling the wetness of Nowaki's tears, something in Hiroki's resolve shifted, and he felt the strong negative walls that he had built up around his heart slowly coming down.

The constant doubts and fears had been Hiroki's way of protecting himself. From the pain that only Nowaki could bring. He could not bear the thought of having Nowaki leave him again, so that was why Hiroki had erected such high walls created out of those fears and doubts. If he had no expectations, he could never be disappointed and hurt right.

Yet somehow along the way, instead of protecting his heart, the walls had ended up hurting Nowaki even more…

The entire time he had blamed Nowaki for not coming nearer, but in actual fact, it was the walls that he had created that had kept Nowaki from coming closer.

The realization hit Hiroki right in the face like a splash of cold water.

Raising his hand slowly, Hiroki placed it on Nowaki's broad back and rubbed up and down gingerly, in a reluctant attempt to sooth the man.

Nowaki, feeling the loving gesture, immediately gathered his Hiro-san more tightly within his arms and held him tighter.

Hiroki returned the act, and held on to Nowaki with both of his hands, running them gently and soothingly up and down his back.

Nowaki, sensing a change in his Hiro-san, reluctantly pulled away to peer warily into his slightly wet face. A slight glow had entered into Nowaki's previously desolate eyes, a glow that Hiroki realised he had put there, just with his simple action.

Upon that realization, Hiroki's heart immediately decided that Nowaki deserved someone to love him wholeheartedly and unconditionally, with no walls in between. Even though Hiroki still feared being hurt, he knew that he owed Nowaki that one chance at the very least. To hell with it.

Sucking in a deep breath, Hiroki closed the short space between the two of them and met Nowaki's unknowing lips.

Taking the small gasp from Nowaki as an opportunity to slide his tongue in, Hiroki boldly pushed against Nowaki's tongue, as Nowaki sat as still as a statue due to the sudden change in events.

But at the insistent push of his tongue by his Hiro-san's, Nowaki immediately reacted by pushing his tongue back in an erotic dance.

Lifting his hands swiftly to cradle his Hiro-san's head, Nowaki tilted his Hiro-san's head back to give him better access so that he could plunder his mouth thoroughly.

As the two tongues fought for dominance, and the kiss grew more intense, the two leaned further and further back till suddenly Hiroki found himself lying on his back on the futon with the breath knocked out him, and Nowaki on top of him.

'Oh no. Hiro-san, did I hurt you? Are you ok?'

Nowaki quickly raised himself onto his elbows to take the weight off his Hiro-san, all the while looking at him rather anxiously and guiltily.

Growling softly, Hiroki merely glared his usual glare at Nowaki before muttering, 'Shut up. I'm not some fragile little porcelain doll. Didn't you want to show me how much you loved me?'

Face flushing immediately at his bold words, Hiroki quickly turned his head sideways to avoid looking at the slow idiot hovering above him.

When the words finally sunk in, Nowaki's dark blue eyes lighted up with joy, and with almost uncontrollable excitement, he grabbed onto his Hiro-san's waist and rolled them over so that his Hiro-san was now lying on his chest.

'This way I won't crush you', was all Nowaki said, rather impishly, his eyes glowing with happiness, before he caught his Hiro-san's lips again in a engulfing kiss.

As Hiroki moaned quietly into the kiss, his hands slid quickly under the turtleneck that Nowaki always wore. It had been so long since he felt Nowaki's skin against his skin. Though he'd never admit it to Nowaki, he knew that he had missed that connection dearly.

As though reading his thoughts, Nowaki broke the kiss off, panting raggedly, and quickly pulled on the hem of Hiroki's shirt and lifted it easily over his head.

Moving on to his, he grabbed at his rather blindly, before Hiroki wriggled lower down his hips so as not to get in the way. Just as Nowaki managed to pull off the turtleneck, Hiroki realised that he had wriggled his way on top of Nowaki's burgeoning erection, and now both of their trapped swollen members were pressed tightly against each other as Hiroki straddled Nowaki.

Moaning loudly, Nowaki immediately grabbed his Hiro-san's slim hips and grounded them into his own, while bucking upwards to meet them at the same time.

A gasp broke out of Hiroki's swollen lips as the delicious friction grew and grew.

Soon it became too much to bear, and Nowaki quickly let go of his Hiro-san's hips to pull down his loose track bottoms and boxer shorts. Getting the hint, Hiroki got up and divested himself of the annoying clothing, while Nowaki too made short work of his jeans.

Once throwing his jeans aside, Nowaki pulled the suddenly shy Hiroki to him.

Pushing him gently on to the futon, Nowaki gave him a gentle sweet kiss, that overflowed with acceptance and love.

'Don't be ashamed of your body Hiro-san. I love you no matter what you look like', Nowaki whispered gently against his Hiro-san's ear, before he continued his journey downwards, kissing, licking and worshipping his love's body.

Shuddering as waves of pleasure crashed over him, Hiroki moaned and whimpered unconsciously as Nowaki nipped and sucked his way to his chest.

All of a sudden, Nowaki latched onto a pink nipple, sucking on it and pulling at it gently with his teeth. This caused Hiroki's back to arch up in pleasure, as he grasped at Nowaki's now messy black locks and held him tightly.

Liking his Hiro-san's reaction, Nowaki switched to the other nipple and laved it with his rough tongue, while pinching the other slick nipple, causing Hiroki to gasp silently.

After worrying Hiroki's nipples for abit longer, Nowaki worked his way further down to Hiroki's now leaking member.

Kissing the top of it almost reverently, Nowaki then suddenly engulfed it in his searing hot mouth, causing Hiroki to jerk in surprise and almost come immediately in Nowaki's mouth.

Tightening his lips around Hiroki's member, Nowaki slid up and down it, sucking the whole time.

Feeling his completion nearing, Hiroki quickly pushed at Nowaki's head.

'Stop! Stop! I-I want to come with you inside of me', a red-faced Hiroki mumbled almost illegibly.

Luckily, Nowaki having spent years with Hiroki managed to catch that, and he immediately got up and reached to the drawers by the side of the bed and pulled out a tube of lube.

Squeezing a generous amount on his two fingers, Nowaki reached down between Hiroki's open legs and gently circled his opening.

Leaning down to capture his Hiro-san's lips again, Nowaki used the distraction to push one finger into the tight ring of muscles. As he pumped the digit in and out, he swallowed each delicious moan and gasp from Hiroki.

'Hurry', was all Hiroki could pant as he looked up at his Nowaki with bright shining eyes.

Feeling his erection throb at the eroticism of his Hiro-san's flushed face, Nowaki knew he couldn't last much longer either. Whispering a soft apology, he pushed a second finger, quickly followed by a third, into his Hiro-san's scorching and tight depths.

'Now Nowaki!' Hiroki gasped loudly.

Positioning himself at his love's entrance, Nowaki quickly pushed into his Hiro-san's tight passage. Oh God, it felt like forever since he had been in this position.

Holding still as to allow Hiroki to get used to his size again, Nowaki got the signal to move when Hiroki wrapped his legs tightly around his waist and clutched tightly at his shoulders.

Pulling out gently, Nowaki set a slow gentle pace. He wanted to do this right, he wanted to make love to Hiroki lovingly, with all that he felt for this man.

Reaching down between them, he grasped his Hiro-san's leaking member and stroked it gently in time with his thrusts.

Despite the slow pace, both men were already on the edge, and the penetration and stimulation of his member was more than enough to bring Hiroki tumbling over the edge into completion. His grasping walls as he came, also pulled Nowaki's orgasm from him, and a harsh cry from his lips as he reached his peak.

Falling onto Hiroki upon completion, Nowaki immediately rolled onto his side once his mind cleared up so as not to crush his Hiro-san.

As they lay side by side, still connected, with their legs intertwined, Nowaki held his Hiro-san tightly in his arms, refusing to let go despite Hiroki's protests about sweat and needing to clean up.

Finally Hiroki gave up, and lay in Nowaki's sweaty arms, grudgingly basking in the afterglow.

'Thank you Hiro-san.'

Nowaki whispered softly against Hiroki's head that was tucked under his chin before planting a gentle kiss on his shiny head.

A long silence followed, before Hiroki quietly replied.

'I love you too.'

Just like a typhoon, Nowaki had swept him away with his kisses, words and love. Hiroki mused silently to himself. Swept him away, never to return to the original place… He knew he could never live without this man who was holding him so tightly and lovingly in his arms. No longer could he run away or push him away either. In actual truth, he needed Nowaki more than Nowaki ever needed him.

All he could do now really, was to stay by his side and weather the storm together, till the day Nowaki should ever decide he not want him anymore.

But as we all know, Nowaki would never do that.

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Hello!

I know its been a long time coming, and I'm really sorry for the long wait. I didn't have much inspiration for the final ending. This is the first complete fan fiction I've ever written, and I'm really quite proud of this piece. And an especially long chapt to end! Haha. Just wanted to say that there'll definitely not be anymore chapters.

Thank you to all my wonderful readers and especially the reviewers who have been so great with your support, encouragement and advice. Hope you guys like the ending.

I'm thinking of doing a Misaki & Usagi piece sometime in the future, but shall concentrate on my Sirius & Remus one for now. Do read that one if you like my writing style. It has mucho angst too (: Haha, enough promotion. See you all soon! Xxx


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